clusterfucked

So. Guess who has too many credit hours to qualify for financial aid. Yeah. Great, right? I can fill out an appeal, which I am going to do. But. My experience with appeals of any sort is that they are mostly pointless. Whatever though. Assholes. I don't really care. I'll work it out.

I just filed my taxes (for free!) though, and that's good. I'm getting about $500 back which, for me, is a lot. I can use it to pay my tuition since it looks like I may be completely ineligible for financial aid. Those stupid motherfuckers. Nice that it only took me eight months to find that out.

I might be able to get $400 from my tribe. God I hope that pans out. I need to mail the application and give Financial Aid that form they have to fill out (I hope they can at least do that right). That would leave me with $200 to pay myself and that is easy.

I fucking hate the school, as an entity. Those fat white Administrator shitheads can take their core values and choke on them. Cocksuckers. President Fuckface or whatever his name is. It's fucking ridiculous. They really and truly don't care about anything but money. They run the place like a fucking business. Except they even fail at that because businesses are efficient.

Whatever. Anyway, fuck them.

I've been angry lately. Like, really angry. I don't know where it's coming from. I mean, I've always been angry, but it seems like recently it's been hitting me in waves. Maybe it is because there are so many things to be angry about. Maybe it's the hormones.

Maybe I need to read that Audre Lorde essay again. She was angry. Sexy angry. She fucking used it, though.

Sigh.

we never talked enough about postmodernism

Social Constructionism:


Essentialism:

use your education and take an educated guess

I am going to give you an example of the disparity between my answers and the answers of my classmates, for fun. Ok. So myself and a classmate who we'll call Mr. X answered the exact same question: "Do culturally Deaf individuals view the label hearing impaired more positively than the label hard of hearing or deaf? Why or why not?"

Mr. X's answer:

Culturally Deaf individuals do NOT view the label "hearing impaired" as a positive label. It is viewed as negative and gives the impression that those who are deaf are broken. The Deaf do not view themselves as impaired or broken in any way. Many hard of hearing individuals do not appreciated the "hearing impaired" label for exactly the same reason.

My answer:

Culturally Deaf people do not like the term "hearing-impaired." While the media and the hearing community choose this euphemism to refer to those who are deaf and hard of hearing because it seems the most politically correct, the Deaf Community finds the use of this term insulting. The Deaf Community does not subscribe to the pathological model of deafness, where it is seen as a disability and something that needs to be cured. Culturally Deaf individuals do not see themselves as deficient due to their deafness. They see themselves as a cultural and linguistic minority with a rich heritage that they are very proud of. They prefer to be called "Deaf" or "Hard of Hearing" because it is part of their unique cultural identity and because it is a label that they have chosen for themselves, not something that has been put on them by the culture that is trying to dominate them.

There is a long history of the Deaf Community being oppressed and controlled by the majority culture in America. For the Deaf Community the implications of "impairment" are just an extension of that. The hearing community often looks on the Deaf with pity and condescension and lumps them into the category of "less-fortunate." The label "hearing-impaired" exacerbates that mindset, one that the Deaf Community is trying to transcend.

The majority of the hearing community is not even aware of the connotations of the term "hearing-impaired" because disability-related euphemisms (i.e. physically-challenged, visually impaired) are valued in the majority culture over more direct labels (i.e. handicapped, blind). "Hearing-impaired" is used because it has been deemed politically correct by the media and the majority culture at large. In their misguided attempts to refrain from offending anyone, ever, the hearing community has defined deafness as an illness, something negative that shouldn't even be discussed.

The Deaf Community is reaching for the same thing that every other oppressed minority culture reaches for: equality, visibility, legitimacy. Terms like "hearing-impaired" "deaf and dumb" and "deaf-mute" are counterproductive to the Community's goals and have been applied by a majority culture that does not understand or appreciate the Deaf Community as a unique cultural minority.

Do you see the difference? Do you understand my frustration, maybe a bit? This is college. I gave a college answer. One of us is demonstrating synthesis and application of ideas. One of us is paraphrasing the fucking textbook.

I rest my case.

with scarves of red tied 'round their throats

They closed TCC today because of the weather. This means I don't have to go to work or class today. This is like a present to me because I get paid for snow days. So, yes. I love snow days. I got up at five and did homework. I got one of my discussion board questions done and I got to talk about gay marriage. So that made me happy. I was answering the question, "Are there entitlements or privileges inherent with membership in a majority culture group?" I told Emily it seemed like a trick question because of fucking course there are. Emily said that should be my answer: "of fucking course there are." As much as I would have liked to put that as an answer, instead I talked about lack of access for the Deaf, and then I talked about how gay people can't get married. I felt really good about it.

Then we had a delicious snow-day breakfast. We had omelets with muenster cheese and avocados, fired polenta, toast with jam and tea and orange juice. It was awesome and delicious. Fried polenta is just about the most delicious thing ever. If you don't know what polenta is, I'll explain: polenta is like Italian grits. They are made with yellow corn. You can eat them with marinara sauce and cheese. Then you can take the leftovers and refrigerate. Then the next morning you can cut them into slices, dip in flour, and brown in a pan. They are like little tasty-delicious corn cakes. Magnifique!

Then it was nap time, and what a lovely nap it was, except I had a dream I made out with the straight girl I am not chasing. So that was incredibly lame of me. I'm not chasing her. Not. I don't do that shit. It only ends in ridiculous embarrassment. (I know this from experience. Which is why I don't fucking chase straight girls, ok, Emily?) Anyway. Stupid dreams. But the nap, on a whole, was very satisfying.

On this lovely paid day off, I have to feel bad for my sister and Krystal, who went to work today even though the streets are made of ice. Sorry guys. You are such troopers, though, and I love you to deathsies. Honest. I will buy you each a cup of hot cocoa when the roads are navigable again.

This snow day is exactly what I needed because I almost didn't go to work yesterday, but decided it is a bad habit to take off just because of horrendous PMS. I thought I should save my call-in for a subsequent period day that might be even worse. And now, I don't even have to worry about it because the lord brought us snow. And by "the lord," I mean the weather.

Happy snow day, fuckers.

i am falling into a chasm

One of my coworkers quit on Friday. This means that her position (head of e-resources, also Nathan's assistant) is open. I am going to apply for the job even though I feel like I would rather shoot myself in the head than be Nathan's assistant. I actually don't think I'll get it because I have no degrees at all and I think they want someone with a degree, in something. Most likely Library Science or something similar. But, yeah. I don't know. It's full time, with benefits. I'm sure I could do it.

But it makes me feel sick just thinking about it. I kind of hate my boss. (Not Melanie. Nathan.) I kind of really hate him. I don't with death on him or anything. He's not a bad person, I don't think. Not like Krystal's bosses. But still. I seriously think he's a big part of the reason she quit. She has the most contact with him, and I know, even though she never really said it, that she respects him not much at all.

I hate my hormones. I really do. I know I am supposed to love them and then they magically get better because of some psychological/Jesus/voodoo magic. Or they can't get better until my I get rid of my self-loathing poison-thoughts or something. But, shit. The hormones affect my mood in the first place. They make me want to hate them. With their androgens. Or is it estrogen I have too much of? I don't even know. (I think it's both, actually, at different times, for different reasons.)

Fuck all of it though. Just fuck it all. And fuck my childhood experiences with doctors that makes me hate them all.

God. I want to go home and cry some. Everything is the worst.

every tool is a weapon if you hold it right

So I've been obsessing about my online class, as is my OCD way. You kind of have to be obsessive about online classes though because they require a lot of time. So the obsession is good, I guess. But all of my friends, and my mother, separately, have heard (or seen, as the case may be) my diatribe about how stupid my classmates are and how much it pisses me off. Their answers are inadequate, they are just paraphrasing the book, how am I supposed to respond to these idiots, etc.

I realized that I am being an intellectual snob, again. Just like the first time around when (some) people thought I was a condescending bitch. I kind of am sometimes. But the snobbery partly just is, and partly is a coping mechanism. I've talked about this before, but I feel like I have to build this tower of smartness that I can sit at the top of and watch everyone else scurrying about below me. Does that awful analogy make sense? I have this terrible perfectionist bent that I have not, as of yet, been able to rid myself of.

Also, I have to deal with idiots (not necessarily idiots, some are confused, some are undereducated, some have learning disabilities, but I'm peaches-and-cream to all of them, even the shitty unappreciative ones) all day at work. I would enjoy it if my classes were populated by halfway-intellegent people. Alas, this is TCC. It is a little too much to hope for. My ASL 2 class is fine. All girls. They're all nice enough. We're having a study group on Sunday at Panera. Emily might show up and surprise everyone.

Anyway... I'm an elitist. I can't really help it. Lucky for me all my friends are too.

i hate paperwork

So here's the skinny on my tribal grant application, which I am sure you really want to know about. You've been dying to hear about it and now that I am finally blogging about it you are so relieved in your heart of hearts.

Ok. Firstly, I have to get a duplicate CDIB (Certificate of Degree of Indian Blood) card. But to do that I need a birth certificate. So I went on the Santa Clara County website to order one. It cost $23. It will arrive in 2-3 weeks from when I fax them the notarized form I printed off (lucky for me there is a Notary Public on campus so that's no big deal). I could have paid an extra $19 to have it in one week via UPS, but I could not justify that. Ok. So once I have my birth certificate I have to get copies of my Dad's birth certificate and his Dad's birth certificate and send them in with the Duplicate CDIB app. Then I have to send in my Tribal Membership application. Once I receive my CDIB card and my Tribal Membership card I can send in my grant application. I also have to send them my TCC transcript and a class schedule for this semester. My transcript must say "Degree-Seeking," which it will as soon as TCC receives my KCAI transcript. They may have already received it.

Whew. And all of that mess equals a potential $400 from my tribe. Fuck, though, they are making me work for it.

It'll all get sorted out, though. Eventually.

november 4, 2008

by ani difranco

the victory was ours
and you were the first to say it
never known so many people
donate time to a campaign

and when you were elected
there was a global wave of joy
who knew a world gone mad
could still go sane?

we poured into the streets
and we danced and we cheered
and a neighborhood was a neighborhood
like it hadn't been in years

all eyes meeting
filled with tears
yes, we prayed you were coming
and then we saw you were here

you are black
you are white
you are red
you are blue
you are green
you are orange
with a purple and yellow hue

you've risen like a phoenix
from each flame that they threw
you've been everything
that we asked of you

president obama
it's an honor just to say it
i used to hide my passport
now i want to display it

thank you for our democracy
through you it's resurrected
thank you for our basic decency
through you it's reflected
thank you, america
for being more than i expected

yes we can
yes we can
yes we can
yes we can
yes we can

yes we can
yes we can
yes we can
yes we can
yes we can

president obama
you do not have to be perfect
i trust that you
are a public servant
steady as abraham lincoln
ready as martin luther king
is the spirit that you bring

and we vow to uphold you
through these tricky times
keep you safe in our hearts
and informed with our minds

and we will uphold each other
we won't divide and attack
there's no going back
there's no going back
there's no going back

yes we can
yes we can
yes we can
yes we can
yes we can

victory was ours
and you were the first to say it

mlk all the way, man

Did you guys know I am famous? Well, I am. Tomorrow for the inauguration (which I am oh so stoked about) Northeast is doing a thing, and they have a video (subtitled because we are the Deaf campus) and I am in it. Talking about what the inauguration means to me.

I bet I sound pretty good. I haven't seen it yet, though.

Also, every day brings us closer to moving times for Andrea and Krystal. Yay!

The parties we will have! It's going to be the best thing ever.

i am still a misanthrope at heart, i guess

The movie today was a discouraging reminder that people still scare the shit out of me.

But, you know, I went. That's something.

Even though I sat on the side like a loser and didn't interact with anyone. Well, three or four people, maybe. I don't know.

Blerg.

I'm just trying to write these feelings out of me because I don't like them.

My social anxiety self is fighting with my charming helpful self and it kind of sucks a lot.

Ugh. Moodiness.

barfaroni

Ok, so I spent the first three hours of work today doing some of the most boring shit imaginable.

Here's a little taste:

"I made Word documents with the wireless printing instructions, which I have uploaded to the wiki. The .pdf instructions for XP require an HP driver installation cd, which I don't think we have. They won't work. I have written instructions to work with the .exe file I uploaded to the wiki and which can be downloaded via the link I provided. (It is also on the circ desktop.) I have set up the circ computer to print to the 9050. My instructions for XP have not been tested on a laptop yet and may require revisions. The Vista instructions are fairly straightforward and there shouldn't be any problem with them. They do not require any driver installation. They are the same as the .pdf instructrions except for the IP address and the printer model (9050n instead of 9040n). This should make no difference because the drivers are the same for both models. Either set of Vista instructions should work fine."

Gross! Doesn't that just make you want die? It does me.

Blech. Worst part is I am going to have to continue fucking with this shit for a while. Ugh.

That douchebag better appreciate me.

nothing better

I found out today that my very best friend, Krystal, is going to be moving into a house that is less than two blocks from mine. Also, my sister is going to be moving to a house a block away. My two favorite ladies in the whole wide world, and they will be so close! Andrea's already close. She and Dave live fourish blocks away from me right now.

It's just weirdly serendipitous and awesome that this is happening. I just love that we will be like one big awesome family. I just love it. And the houses they are moving into are both so cute. Ah, the fam. How fucking great is that? I want to cry. I told Krystal I would cry if she got that house. Oh my god. Just. Wow.

I've been away from my family and soul friends. I've done that. I needed to. For growth and everything. But it is no way to be for very long. It pulls at you. Puts hairline cracks in your heart. No funskies. At fucking all.

Because what the fuck else real do you have in life? Seriously. Things? Things aren't real. Your friends are real. Your things aren't the ones who will answer the phone at 4am when you're having some ridiculous crisis about god-knows-what. (Not that you would call your friends in the middle of the night unless it was an absolute emergency. You know, boundaries and all.)

Anyway. The point is, I couldn't be happier about this amazing turn of events.

Fantastic.

christianity rant

So people in my online class are saying things like "thank the Lord" and "God Bless," and I fucking hate that shit. How about we all keep our religious bullshit to ourselves, please. That shit has no place in class discussion, I don't think. Except inasmuch as Christianity is part of the discussion about culture. Beyond that, though, it is completely gross and unnecessary.

I don't give a shit that you love Jesus.

I don't love Jesus.

Let's tone down the godspeak, please.

I'm not quite sure why it bothers me so much, but it fucking does so I am writing about it. I'm just glad I'm not in a class like Krystal was in about something controversial like sexuality. I am quite sure it would activate my rage.

christmas in january

The Whole Foods Christmas party was (or, rather, is going on until midnight) tonight at Blue Dome. I went for a couple of hours. It was neat. They had the place decorated and there was yummy food and free booze and some adorable babies. One of them was really cute but he had on a shirt that said "100% Boy," which makes me think his parents are trying to convince everyone he's not a hermaphrodite or something. Why else would you put a shirt like that on a kid?

I had fun. All the cute Whole Foods lesbians who are dating each other were there. I left at around 8 so I could come home and do homework. Because I am just that awesome.

And now I am going to bed because it is 9:30 and that is awfully late.

i don't give a damn about my reputation

So. I know I've kind of dropped off on the blogging. But it's for a reason. After not posting anything to the tumblr blog for about a week (due to lack of internet over the break) I can't make myself start up again knowing that the ex might still be reading it. It creates to many weird head-things for me. I might start a different one with a different name. I don't know. I did like that blog. It sucks that it got ruined.

Blerg. Anyway. I've been stressed out and a crazy OCD panic-monster because of school starting and my ridiculous anxiety about it, but now that the semester has started (and enrollment seems to be way, way down this semester as evidenced by the weird lack of traffic in the LRC) I'm feeling more confident about stuff and am no longer freaking out about nothing. For now, anyway.

And then last night Emily texted me and informed me that I have a "good reputation" in the Deaf community and that the instructors are talking about me and think I will "go far." So that's a loverly little ego-boost even though I think half my reputation is from Emily talking about me like I am the greatest thing since the electric vibrator. The other half is, of course, due to my shining awesomeness.

One of the first assignments for my Intro to Interpreting class was to observe a "communication event" and take notes on the variables an interpreter would encounter if they were interpreting that event. Not specifically one where an interpreter is involved, but anything where people are communicating (i.e. a meeting, church service, doctor's appointment, etc). For lack of a better option, I chose to go to Mom's fruity ACIM (A Course in Miracles, the most ridiculous weird confusing esoteric abstract bullshit religious text since the bible itself) class at her fruity church. It was goofy and lasted way too long, but I got good notes, and, best of all, got it over with and my response posted to the discussion board. So everything is all gravy.

And and and. On top of school starting off good and ego boosts and all that, Krystal is having a burlesque dancer for her bachelorette party! I am so fucking excited. It's going to be awesome and perfect and much better than the smelly strip club Adam and the boys are going to.

On an unrelated note, someone on one of the blogs I read called Rick Warren an "antediluvian sexist," which gave me a laugh because it sounds funny (funny as in awesome because college words paired with words like "sexist," "racist," and "asshole" are always gold) and it is completely true. He is, that purpose-driven shithead. Fuck him for counseling victims of domestic violence not to get divorced. And fuck him for that bullshit he said to Ann Curry about gay marriage. Maybe he'll have a heart attack and die during Obama's inauguration.

A girl can dream, can't she?

p.s. Add Samuel Alito to the drop-dead-miraculously list.

there's a third option: dry humping

stupid stupid stupid

I don't think I can get money from my tribe because I am not degree-seeking. This throws a wrench in my plans. And I can't just say I am degree-seeking because my transcript says I am not. So I would have to go to Registration and lie to them and get them to change it. And I don't think I am comfortable with that.

It's just a lot of bullshit and I don't know what I am going to do, except go to Financial Aid and bitch at them for their uselessness. And then beg my dad for money. Again. Awesome.

Maybe I'll get some money back when I file my taxes and I can use that to help pay for school. The shitty thing is that I have to cut back my hours at work this semester because we are only allowed to work a certain number of hours per year (which runs from July to June) and I am in danger of going over.

And as much as I would love to prostitute myself to hot business ladies, I am quite certain my fantasy and actual reality don't quite match up. I'll have to save earning-school-money-by-fucking-sexy-businesswomen for my dreams.

And what a dream that would be.

a school list

I need to:

call the Choctaw Nation about getting new Tribal Membership and CDIB cards

see if the Higher Ed. Grant department still have mine on file

take the Financial Needs Analysis sheet to Financial Aid so they can fill it out

send off the rest of the grant application packet for my tribe

go bitch at Financial Aid for still having not processed my financial aid request from last semester

see how much my books cost

don't freak out about tuition, it'll all work out

call my dad (probably) to see if he wants to give me money for school

not sophisticated, i'm the sweet and simple kind

Eartha Kitt's death hit me hard in a weird way. I didn't know she had colon cancer, so it was a big surprise to me when, on Christmas day, I learned that she had died. Krystal said she almost called me when she found out, but she decided to wait because I was on my way over there and I would find out soon enough. I think maybe I thought she would live forever. She seemed so ageless.

The more I read about her, the more I love her and the sadder it makes me that she is gone. She had a fucked up life, and she was able to overcome it. She was sexy and ballsy and amazing. She denounced the Vietnam War at a White House luncheon (to Ladybird Johnson's face, no less) and "lambasted the Johnson administration for not doing more about poverty, joblessness, and drugs in black communities," which basically got her kicked out of the country for ten years, until Jimmy Carter, bless him, invited her back in 1978.

She was, hands down, the best Catwoman, ever. I mean, look at her:

Here's a lovely obit from New America Media. She was phenomenal. Phenomenal.

red letter year

new years eve we dropped mushrooms
and danced around the house
making music with everything that we found
incantation replaced resolution and we vowed to allow each perfection we could be
and the goddesses sent word that this would be a red letter year
they didn't mention how much shit was gonna change around here

it's just as well we weren't swollen with unfocused dread
we had visions of sugarplums dancing in our heads
dancing in our heads

first you go under and then you coming up gives you bends
and when you break the surface
and all you see is your friends
so you grab your purple crayon
and flush out the picture behind
and finally the whole world is made of one unbroken line
one unbroken line

and when you wake up sick as a dog
with dull eyes and really bad hair
standing under a lit sign with the words on air
and the water is rising it's coming in everywhere
just remember you are there
you're always, always there