funtimes, asltimes

I had such a wonderful time last night. We went to Cafe Ole for delicious dinner and drinks, and Mom and Laura got their sign names, and then Emily taught them some really important signs (the dirty ones) and it was just great and I drank a few beers and a giant shot of Patrón. We had such a good time. It was great learning and playing and I got to practice voicing for Emily a tiny bit.

Mostly we just laughed raucously. And teased each other and said highly inappropriate things, which is just our way. It is so lovely to have a family such as this.

My whole little midtown family. Keeping it real on the North(ish) side.

Family dinners are the best. I love and cherish them for the treasure they are. Jewels.

I love so much that little sis and Krys are just a block away from me, and Em is just a quick zip across the river.

It strengthens me to feel everyone so close. And to know you are just right there.

I love you all more than you will ever know. More than words can say.

And now I have to go to work.

dreams like this roll in like a cold front

You know what sucks sometimes? Doing that thing that needs to be done. The healthy thing, the smart thing, the prudent thing, the self-preservation thing. But once something has been illuminated I can't go back into the dark. I can't. Not after all the progress I have made.

It sucks. Being healthy is fucking hard. But what the fuck else am I to do?

There's nothing, really. It's either do the hard stuff, or be a zombie, asleep, dying. Fuck that. I've done that. I'm finished with it.

I want to be alive. I want to be happy. I am alive. I am happy. I want to stay that way. I mean, I'm not happy 100% of the time, but generally speaking, I am very happy, and I love my life very much, which is why I have to protect it.

thank the heavens for their plasticity

I walked home, drunk and happy, took Mom's dog out, and am writing one last thing before I go sink into my wonderful bed and drift off to sleep, to hopefully have dreams of art heists with friends.

The cookout tonight was lovely. I can't describe how marvelous it is and how overwhelmed with joy I am to be alive now, with my nearest and dearest so close to me. I've never been this happy before. I am so grateful from the bottom of my heart for my beautiful friends.

I love all of you. In a totally gay way.

Peace out. To bedskies.

nothing better

I found out today that my very best friend, Krystal, is going to be moving into a house that is less than two blocks from mine. Also, my sister is going to be moving to a house a block away. My two favorite ladies in the whole wide world, and they will be so close! Andrea's already close. She and Dave live fourish blocks away from me right now.

It's just weirdly serendipitous and awesome that this is happening. I just love that we will be like one big awesome family. I just love it. And the houses they are moving into are both so cute. Ah, the fam. How fucking great is that? I want to cry. I told Krystal I would cry if she got that house. Oh my god. Just. Wow.

I've been away from my family and soul friends. I've done that. I needed to. For growth and everything. But it is no way to be for very long. It pulls at you. Puts hairline cracks in your heart. No funskies. At fucking all.

Because what the fuck else real do you have in life? Seriously. Things? Things aren't real. Your friends are real. Your things aren't the ones who will answer the phone at 4am when you're having some ridiculous crisis about god-knows-what. (Not that you would call your friends in the middle of the night unless it was an absolute emergency. You know, boundaries and all.)

Anyway. The point is, I couldn't be happier about this amazing turn of events.

Fantastic.

there's nothing like seeing your own history in the faces of your friends

I'm going to get kind of gay, here, as I am wont to do. Just thought I should give fair warning...

Last night I had girl dinner and it was wonderful. I feel so alive when I am with Krystal and Emily. Especially the two of them together. It's kind of magical. I don't know if I have ever met people who live life more fully than those two (with the exception of my mother and sister, who laugh big, talk big, and love big).

It is amazing how infectious life is. It seeps into your skin and washes away your weariness, to be around people who know how to be fully alive, who know how to feel things, who know that feeling things is a perfectly acceptable thing to do.

There is also something amazing about an involuntary smile that won't go away and makes your jaw hurt a bit. A real smile. Not a fake smile that feels sick and is only with your mouth and not your eyes.

I went to bed last night so happy and woke energized. I thought, "How lucky I am, to have such friends as these."

I think that I have never been happier in my life. I am completely serious. I am healthy (in the holistic, real, listening-to-yourself way). For once in my life I am not starving. No false shortages. No real shortages. I may not have everything, but I have enough of what I really need (support, love, friendship, funtimes, rest-times, mind-expanding times).

Sometimes I wonder, "How is this my life?" How did I get here? After all the shit and ridiculousness and unhealthy people and soul-killing compromises and self-harm and self-loathing, how the fuck did I end up here? Here, in my body and mind and Self I am learning to love and embrace unconditionally, with these friends (soul family) who love me and whom I love so fiercely. Here with people who are here for real and not just momentarily, not just flitting in and out of my life, but really present. Like Krystal, who I have known for ten years and who can read me like a book and who often does read me like I have pages. I can keep no secrets but that is okay because I am safe. And Emily who I have known not as long, but who can still read me startlingly well and who can lipread even when I'm not talking (which I guess means she is thought-reading), and still that is okay because, still, I am safe.

And then there is my sister who is amazing and hilarious and who I am so proud of. She has come through hell to get where she is. And my mom, who, with love and compassion, helped shape us into the amazing people we are and who loves us even though we are petulant and sometimes ungrateful.

What more could a girl ask for? Not much, I don't think. Maybe a new computer so I can do good in school next semester, and maybe some new clothes and a new wallet. Those things are easy to come by in life. All it takes is a little money. Lucky for me I have a job that gives me a little money. The rare things, the things you can't buy, I already have in spades. And for this reason I am truly blessed.

Ok. I'm done being a superfag. For now, anyway.