christmas in january

The Whole Foods Christmas party was (or, rather, is going on until midnight) tonight at Blue Dome. I went for a couple of hours. It was neat. They had the place decorated and there was yummy food and free booze and some adorable babies. One of them was really cute but he had on a shirt that said "100% Boy," which makes me think his parents are trying to convince everyone he's not a hermaphrodite or something. Why else would you put a shirt like that on a kid?

I had fun. All the cute Whole Foods lesbians who are dating each other were there. I left at around 8 so I could come home and do homework. Because I am just that awesome.

And now I am going to bed because it is 9:30 and that is awfully late.

hot christmas!

Last night was Part 1 of the ornament party and it was completely awesome. We made some really sweet construction-paper ornaments and watched A Christmas Story and drank eggnog and this wintertime beer called Ebenezer. It was awesomesauce and funtimes.

Part 2 will be on Sunday. I am excited to make more. Yay.

Xmas is next week, kittens. Isn't that fucked? (I say "Xmas" instead of "Christmas" because on at least two separate occasions I saw or heard something about "Put the Christ back in Christmas," or "In Christmas, Christ comes first," or some such bullshit. Fuck that. It's Xmas, now.)

I hope your hearts are filled with Xmas joy. I know mine is. I have a heart on for Xmas.

And I will continue to call it Xmas until I forget and call it Christmas. It really is not that big of a deal. Still, though. Let's all try and take the "Christ" out of Christmas.

ornament party

Tonight is the ornament party!

And I only have 30 min. of work left. Then I will be off to Target for supplies and then on to Krys' for the ornamentstravaganza!!!

I am so excited.

Yay!

christmas thoughts

So. I love my family, mostly. But I really don't want to see my dad for Christmas this year.

I'm hoping it'll be like last year and he'll want to just be with his new family and he'll have too much back pain to drive down here. Because I'm tired of trying to make it work with him. I hate going to visit my country grandparents and feeling like a fucking martian. I love my grandparents a lot. I just don't have anything to say to them.

They don't live in the same world I live in. It's like whenever I am around them I am constantly reminded of this vision of "normalcy" that I will never live up to. This phenomenon is magnified with my dad, who I want to see even less than my grandparents. And it's not that I don't want to see them, it's that I don't want to feel the sick-in-my-bones feeling I get when I visit.

I've talked about that feeling before. I try to avoid it at as much as possible. I don't think anyone, ever, should have to feel that. Even if it means eschewing familial obligations.

I hate that word, obligation. It implies that you owe people (in this case, your family) something, and I am of the school that you don't owe shit to anyone, especially not your parents. I do things for my close family and friends because I love them and helping them makes me feel good. It is enriching. Obligation does not drive me. Not in the least.

But. I do, at times, feel the pull of the family obligation. I think it's bullshit though because seeing my dad's side most often leaves me feeling empty, drained, sick, not-good. Mostly because of my dad. And then I feel guilty because as much as I see them (which is never) is all I can handle of them. So where does that leave obligation? Fucked. Which is right where it needs to be.

It makes me sad, the whole mess. The fact that my dad sucks and will never be Mr. Rogers or my old Psychiatrist or anyone besides someone who gives me money sometimes and activates my anger a lot. And I am ok with that, to a point. I try and have this superficial-type relationship with him. Talk to him on the phone occasionally, tell him I'm doing good in school, ask him about the weather in New Mexico (seriously). And I let go of so fucking much to be able to do that. But guess who lets go of nothing? Him. Like all that bullshit with the Presidential Elections and his insistence upon talking fucking politics with me. I've known for years that the last thing I would ever want to do is talk about

And my sister hasn't talked to him in two years, except for the time he came to Tulsa and we surprised her at work.

So what do I do with all that? I mean, shit. I try to have sympathy for him because I know he misses us and feels guilty about not being more present in our lives. But he shouldn't feel guilty because I consider his absence, sadly, a gift.

So, yeah. Layers. Upon layers.

they say i'm mental but i'm just confused

I just pulled every book about Christmas we have off the shelves (there are ten or twelve, maybe). We also have two books about Kwanzaa, one about Jewish Holidays in general, and none about Ramadan. Merry Christmas. Merry saying "holiday" instead of "Christmas" doesn't make it any less about Christmas.

Merry I'm not ready for Christmas.

Merry you are all getting felt ornaments from me because I am broke.

Merry fuck my dad I don't want to see him.

Merry I'm lucky the school is only closed for eight days because I don't get paid holidays.

Merry maybe there will be more snow days because I do get paid for those.

Merry I don't want to assemble that fucking fake tree again this year.

Merry blah and bah humbug.

Merry it'll all work out and maybe I just need to listen to Eartha Kitt singing "Santa Baby" again.