please, mr. postman, i don't want any more letters

In my vast experience with the United States Postal Service, only bad things come in the mail. Well, mostly bad things: medical bills, utility bills, other bills, rejection letters, collection notices, cutoff notices, credit card applications, letters from stalkers whose only way to contact you is through the mail. Stuff like that. So I usually hate the mail, even though sometimes good things come, like grant checks and Netflix. I still sometimes feel like opening the mailbox is a bit like playing Russian roulette.

Silly me, though, I thought I was in the clear re: correspondence from my ex. Not so! I got a letter last week, like a day after Mom told me she received (and disposed of without telling me, per my request) a letter postmarked Chicago around Christmastime and she thought maybe the ex had moved back there. I said, "Maybe now I can stop panicking every time I see a light blue Toyota Yaris." Then I receive a letter postmarked Tulsa from her. So she's still out there, lurking. Which is great.

So, due to this latest Postal Service related incident, I think I will be making my blog private. Not quite yet, though, because I am really pissed about it. I shouldn't have to do it. I want to share my awesomeness with the world, you know? Make some sort of positive waves by living my life the way I live it, unapologetically. Show people how to really live.

Anyway. It pisses me off. I am just trying to live me life and be happy. Trying to move past certain things. It's hard when people refuse to let go. My mantra, via The Gift of Fear, is "The best response is no response."

What I hate the most about all of this is her forcing me to think about her. I don't want to think about her. I don't want to think about how awful dying feels, except as a reminder of why I chose myself over someone else. I want it out of my mind.

And I'm not to the point yet, where the experience becomes some innocuous piece of my past, just a learning experience. There's still rawness about it, especially since she keeps insisting on inserting herself into my mailbox and into my life, even if only for as long as it takes to destroy a letter and write a blog about my feelings so I don't have to think about it anymore.

I am unmanipulable, though. Fuck all that. I am so strong and healthy now, and I don't abide bullshit, and I don't abide ego-stealers. And now that I have written out my feelings I can stop thinking about it and what a violation it is. It's gone. I'm releasing it. I refuse to allow her to occupy my thoughts any longer. I hope she gets her shit sorted out.

another saturday night and i ain't got nobody

You know what sucks? Suddenly losing respect for an authority figure. One that you have to have continued interaction with. I'm going to have to unlose it. Which also sucks. But. You think you know people, and you don't, really. I mean, you think you have a good grasp on someone's character, but sometimes you don't. Disenchantment is lame.

I think my main problem is that I won't beg and I don't have the energy to fight. Especially if I have to rehearse this fucking story, and study for my final, and write a paper. The shitty thing is that I worked fucking hard, and put thought and effort into everything I did, and I think I deserve some fucking consideration, but I can't force people to understand. But I can just muddle through, and let go.

So, you know, I'll do that. I can't not.

Heavy sigh.

feelings, bullshit doctor nonsense, good stuff and other things

Feelings: I am having them. This hot girl business has got me all stirred up. And I have this pathetic lonely-martyr bent that I really need to eliminate but that has been super-ingrained for years so it's not just going to disappear, you know what I mean? It is rooted in my severe self-image and self-esteem issues. And it's fucking with my shit and I hate that. In my mind it doesn't make sense that anyone would hit on me. Which means I am fucked up. Again with the self-loathing, right? What is that? It is so unnecessary and counterproductive. Any time someone comes onto me my brain goes into panic-lockdown-sabotage mode and I ignore my intuition, which is, of course, bad. I'm just like, "No. Certainly not. Can't be true. Impossible." Why why why can't I stop? Why can't I just be ok with myself? Let go of the self-hatred. (Maybe that also means I have to let go of the hatred and bad-feelings I have for my dad and that is part of the problem because I am still clutching tightly onto all of that like it's a security blanket.)

Bullshit doctor nonsense: my fucking doctor, who I actually liked even though I hate doctors, closed her office and disconnected her phone and for some reason no one called me about it. Had I not called the hospital her office is in I would not have known this. I would have driven all the fucking way out to stupid South Tulsa, discovered that her office no longer exists, gotten pissed that I wasted all that time and gas when I could have been at home self-soothing or watching the L Word, and possibly cried because I am that tired today. Good thing I avoided all of that shit. And of course the part of me that hates doctors the most is rejoicing because I don't have to go the doctor today. The practical, grown-up part of me is aggravated because I need to go to the doctor, and now I have to find a new doctor and I hate trying to find a new doctor because so fucking many of them are completely awful. It's a total crapshoot unless you get a recommendation from someone.

Fuck. Stupid doctors. If I thought I could get away with it I would treat my body like I treat my car and just drive it into the ground. I mean I kind of do that right now, but not totally. I take my medicine, get enough sleep, try to eat decently, think about how I should be exercising more, the usual stuff. But if it involves doctors I have a huge mental block about it. It's because I was sick so much when I was young and I went to lots of doctors who a) were really mean and b) misdiagnosed me, repeatedly. I mean, so many fucking appointments, every week almost, sometimes more than once a week. So many different medications. Different kinds of doctors. Even fake doctors, like Chiropractors and Accupuncturists. Mom made me go. I don't know if she was misguided. Probably. She was frantically trying to figure out what my deal was. My unique combination of physical and psychological issues makes for an awful mess for someone to try and decipher, I guess.

Good stuff: we have study group tonight. I am bringing my portfolio to show to my new gay friend. I also have some pictures of Andrea, Dave and Kobi on my phone to show her, too. Yay new gay friend!

Also, Mo, my coworker who is a million times better than all the others, is going to interview me about the use of media in the classroom. It's for his doctoral dissertation or something related to his doctorate. I'm excited because Mo is awesome and adorable. He made a good choice by picking me to interview because I am a font of knowledge about the use of media in the classroom. I went to art school. I was a New Media major. It was all about media. Anyway. Mo is the best. I am super-glad to help him out.

Other things: I'm tired. I can't wait for work to be over. I get to watch the L-Word when I get home. My mood is weird today. Mondays are lame. I have a quiz tomorrow. I have a new gay friend. Did you know that? Maybe I already told you.

That's about it, I guess.

use your education and take an educated guess

I am going to give you an example of the disparity between my answers and the answers of my classmates, for fun. Ok. So myself and a classmate who we'll call Mr. X answered the exact same question: "Do culturally Deaf individuals view the label hearing impaired more positively than the label hard of hearing or deaf? Why or why not?"

Mr. X's answer:

Culturally Deaf individuals do NOT view the label "hearing impaired" as a positive label. It is viewed as negative and gives the impression that those who are deaf are broken. The Deaf do not view themselves as impaired or broken in any way. Many hard of hearing individuals do not appreciated the "hearing impaired" label for exactly the same reason.

My answer:

Culturally Deaf people do not like the term "hearing-impaired." While the media and the hearing community choose this euphemism to refer to those who are deaf and hard of hearing because it seems the most politically correct, the Deaf Community finds the use of this term insulting. The Deaf Community does not subscribe to the pathological model of deafness, where it is seen as a disability and something that needs to be cured. Culturally Deaf individuals do not see themselves as deficient due to their deafness. They see themselves as a cultural and linguistic minority with a rich heritage that they are very proud of. They prefer to be called "Deaf" or "Hard of Hearing" because it is part of their unique cultural identity and because it is a label that they have chosen for themselves, not something that has been put on them by the culture that is trying to dominate them.

There is a long history of the Deaf Community being oppressed and controlled by the majority culture in America. For the Deaf Community the implications of "impairment" are just an extension of that. The hearing community often looks on the Deaf with pity and condescension and lumps them into the category of "less-fortunate." The label "hearing-impaired" exacerbates that mindset, one that the Deaf Community is trying to transcend.

The majority of the hearing community is not even aware of the connotations of the term "hearing-impaired" because disability-related euphemisms (i.e. physically-challenged, visually impaired) are valued in the majority culture over more direct labels (i.e. handicapped, blind). "Hearing-impaired" is used because it has been deemed politically correct by the media and the majority culture at large. In their misguided attempts to refrain from offending anyone, ever, the hearing community has defined deafness as an illness, something negative that shouldn't even be discussed.

The Deaf Community is reaching for the same thing that every other oppressed minority culture reaches for: equality, visibility, legitimacy. Terms like "hearing-impaired" "deaf and dumb" and "deaf-mute" are counterproductive to the Community's goals and have been applied by a majority culture that does not understand or appreciate the Deaf Community as a unique cultural minority.

Do you see the difference? Do you understand my frustration, maybe a bit? This is college. I gave a college answer. One of us is demonstrating synthesis and application of ideas. One of us is paraphrasing the fucking textbook.

I rest my case.

what's with all the christmastime homophobia?

First there was Rick Warren being not only homophobic, but a pervy skeezbag as well. (Video here. Transcript here.) Especially the part where he says "I'm naturally inclined to have sex with every beautiful woman I see." Susie Bright thinks he's going to be involved in a sex-with-hookers type scandal (her blog entry here). I hope so. I hope he get's caught fucking an underage male prostitute. That's poetic justice.

Anyway... I don't care how much money Rick fucking Warren has given to charity or whatever Purpose Driven bullshit he's involved in, I think he's a disgusting piece of shit. Just watch the video, I'm sure you'll agree. I also forgive Obama for having him speak at his inauguration. There will come a time when homophobia is as culturally distasteful and unacceptable as racism. We're getting there, I think, slowly but surely.

And then there's the fucking Pope, who I have always disliked. In his holiday address this year he said that defending humanity from homosexuality is as important as defending the rainforest from destruction. (Article from The Guardian.) Isn't that nice? I mean, I know it's not a surprise that the Pope is a conservative asshole, but still, I can be mad about it. Xmas is supposed to be about peace and love, not bigotry and bullshit.

Ugh. I know it's just backlash. And all this loudness is just a death knell for those fuckers. I get it. But, fuck. It's fucking Christmas.

This is not what Jesus had in mind, not at all. Sometimes I wonder if all these Christians actually know of Jesus, really. Like, maybe they have him confused with someone else. Like, maybe little Agnostic Natalie is more of a Christian than they will ever be and how sad must that be for them because they know it in the deepest part of their hateful little hearts.

Sigh.