i made that final my bitch

I finished all my homework, motherfuckers. I managed to get an A in my ASL class, and a B in my Interpreting class. I feel pretty awesome about it.

I busted ass, and everything worked out. This is really the opposite of what happened the first time I was in college. I was really depressed and had way more stress than I had coping skills to deal with, so about three quarters of the way through the semester I would run out of steam and let everything go to shit. This happened a few times. And it never went to complete shit. I never failed any classes. But I was kind of steadily sinking the entire time I was in Kansas City. It was a situation that could not be sustained, which is why I had to get out of it.

And my main coping skill- detaching completely- did not serve me very well. I had other, even more destructive coping skills, too. It's so weird because I would never dream of doing that kind of shit anymore. It was bad. Really bad. I was not very nice to myself.

Things are so much different now. It's weird. Weird in the best way possible. Weird like how the fuck did I manage to survive myself and come to this place I am in now? The best I've ever been in my life. The healthiest, the copingest, the zest-for-life-havingest. It's kind of nuts.

Interestingly enough, I think dating Liz was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I learned what dying feels like. And I had the balls to say, "Enough! I can't kill my soul any longer." I chose myself. I loved myself the best. Which, for me, is completely amazing because I have always put other people before myself. I'm not completely over that sort of thinking, but I'm so much better.

Life is just so weird. Crazy, fucked up, not-so-awesome stuff happens, but the bad shit is what leads to breakthroughs. And that sucks sometimes. Most of the time. But each time you triumph over some obstacle you shed a little more of the bullshit that's been holding you back.

It's all a process. Everything.

I just remembered I thought of the beginning of a poem in the middle of the night last night. But it's gone, now. Maybe it'll come back later.

Anyway. Crazy stuff.

Also, I decided that my religion is learning. It is the best thing anyone can do, ever. I guess maybe teaching is, too. But we are all teachers who live our lives truly and fully and do not apologize for being and wanting. Naturally, I only associate with people who are their authentic selves always. If you can't be yourself and be with yourself as you really are, you'll never really live. You'll never feel or enjoy anything fully. You'll be a shadow. And that is so very sad. All the husk-people walking around asleep. Zombies.

You have to lead by example. Aspire to awesomeness. People are drawn to it. I promise.

another saturday night and i ain't got nobody

You know what sucks? Suddenly losing respect for an authority figure. One that you have to have continued interaction with. I'm going to have to unlose it. Which also sucks. But. You think you know people, and you don't, really. I mean, you think you have a good grasp on someone's character, but sometimes you don't. Disenchantment is lame.

I think my main problem is that I won't beg and I don't have the energy to fight. Especially if I have to rehearse this fucking story, and study for my final, and write a paper. The shitty thing is that I worked fucking hard, and put thought and effort into everything I did, and I think I deserve some fucking consideration, but I can't force people to understand. But I can just muddle through, and let go.

So, you know, I'll do that. I can't not.

Heavy sigh.

everybody knows the war is over, everybody knows the good guys lost

So. School sucks. I hate it a lot right now. Mostly I hate that my near-perfect scores in my classes are being transformed into kind of shitty ones due to my absence. I am ultimately ok with it as long as it doesn't fuck up my financial aid.

But it still sucks a big fat cock, you know? I worked so fucking hard to keep my grades up, and now, they've all gone to crap. I think the worst part about it is that I've returned somewhat to the same headspace I was in the first time I went to college, and I was working oh-so-hard to avoid that. It's not exactly the same because art school is an entirely different animal, but it's similar. And it's one of those time-warp trigger things where I suddenly feel I am 20-years-old again, and that's lame because I was really fucked up 5 years ago.

The good thing about all of this is I have developed lots of coping skills since 5 years ago, so I'll be able to suck it up, get all this stupid work done, and take my less-than-perfect grade. It's the only thing I can do. I'll just deal, like I do, and it'll be over, and I'll be glad of it. At least I got my panicking and crying out of the way yesterday.

i'm so awesome

Stumbled upon these e-mails just now, from the beginning of the semester. I'm too cool for school, you guys.

"Hi Natalie,

I want to give you feedback on your lesson 1 posts. OUTSTANDING.... smile. Your original posts provided such depth and detail and your responses to others added to the discussion and took us in new directions. It's always a pleasure to have a "deep thinker" in the class. Terrific list of demands in the church study group. We will use them in lesson 2 and 3, and you have plenty to work with.

I look forward to reading your posts in lesson 2, Sharon"

"Hi Natalie,

I want to give you some feedback on your Lesson 2 posts. Outstanding work on your DC activiy, those were excellent additions of intrapersonal demands.

I enjoyed reading the privileges of the majority culture post, it has a lot with what we are discussing in lesson 3 as we look at oppression. We had great discussion about terminology, especially hearing impaired. English is such an indirect language and has built in means to keep from being so direct. ASL and Deaf culture is much more blunt, and the euphemisms have no or little meaning in the the language and is very confusing culturally. In the Deaf Culture class you will see a DVD, Say it Like you Mean it, which shows scenarios of Deaf/Hearing interactions and how two people view the same interaction completely different. I'm sure you have enlightening cultural discussions with your friend, Emily.

Keep up the good work, Sharon"

All I'm saying is that I'm awesome and everyone loves me. Also, I am a "deep thinker." Duh. Anyone who knows me knows that mental masturbation is one of my favorite things. That and regular masturbation.

Heh. I love school.

learning

This is a picture of me in class on Tuesday, being really excited about learning. Yay for learning!

Yay for learning even though TCC le sucks and is trying to get in the way of my learning by being a bunch of jerkfaces who can't fill out forms properly. Boo on that. But still, yay for learning.

why i am so awesome

So here's my discussion board response to someone's ridiculous whining about how they are so oppressed as a Christian:

"In my opinion, the phenomenon you are identifying in regards to your religion is fundamentally different from the institutionalized oppression the Deaf Community and other minorities have experienced. I would consider the kind of stereotyping you are talking about to be backlash in the same way that there is backlash against the hearing majority by members of the Deaf Community. Religious minorities have generations of pent-up resentment and animosity directed toward the Christian majority because despite the fact that the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States guarantees the right to freedom of religion, the U.S. is still a Christian nation (much like the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 guarantees equal access and deaf people still have to fight for interpreters). Christian values are upheld and favored over the religious beliefs of non-Christians. Religious minorities have been physically attacked by individuals and groups of individuals, castigated by the media, censured in public school systems (sometimes more covertly than overtly), or ignored altogether. This may explain why some non-Christians are so quick to judge members of the Christian majority.

I am not trying to say that you have not been stereotyped or that people's unrealistic expectations of your behavior are acceptable or not motivated by ignorance. I am also not trying to compare religious minorities with the Deaf Community or say that one group is more oppressed than another. I just think that institutional marginalization is a very insidious thing and that it is important to be aware of majority/minority cultural dynamics, especially in a field like interpreting, where there exists the potential for being confronted with a real disparity in the balance of power almost daily."

I so win. Not that it's a contest or anything. But still. See how awesome and diplomatic I am?

use your education and take an educated guess

I am going to give you an example of the disparity between my answers and the answers of my classmates, for fun. Ok. So myself and a classmate who we'll call Mr. X answered the exact same question: "Do culturally Deaf individuals view the label hearing impaired more positively than the label hard of hearing or deaf? Why or why not?"

Mr. X's answer:

Culturally Deaf individuals do NOT view the label "hearing impaired" as a positive label. It is viewed as negative and gives the impression that those who are deaf are broken. The Deaf do not view themselves as impaired or broken in any way. Many hard of hearing individuals do not appreciated the "hearing impaired" label for exactly the same reason.

My answer:

Culturally Deaf people do not like the term "hearing-impaired." While the media and the hearing community choose this euphemism to refer to those who are deaf and hard of hearing because it seems the most politically correct, the Deaf Community finds the use of this term insulting. The Deaf Community does not subscribe to the pathological model of deafness, where it is seen as a disability and something that needs to be cured. Culturally Deaf individuals do not see themselves as deficient due to their deafness. They see themselves as a cultural and linguistic minority with a rich heritage that they are very proud of. They prefer to be called "Deaf" or "Hard of Hearing" because it is part of their unique cultural identity and because it is a label that they have chosen for themselves, not something that has been put on them by the culture that is trying to dominate them.

There is a long history of the Deaf Community being oppressed and controlled by the majority culture in America. For the Deaf Community the implications of "impairment" are just an extension of that. The hearing community often looks on the Deaf with pity and condescension and lumps them into the category of "less-fortunate." The label "hearing-impaired" exacerbates that mindset, one that the Deaf Community is trying to transcend.

The majority of the hearing community is not even aware of the connotations of the term "hearing-impaired" because disability-related euphemisms (i.e. physically-challenged, visually impaired) are valued in the majority culture over more direct labels (i.e. handicapped, blind). "Hearing-impaired" is used because it has been deemed politically correct by the media and the majority culture at large. In their misguided attempts to refrain from offending anyone, ever, the hearing community has defined deafness as an illness, something negative that shouldn't even be discussed.

The Deaf Community is reaching for the same thing that every other oppressed minority culture reaches for: equality, visibility, legitimacy. Terms like "hearing-impaired" "deaf and dumb" and "deaf-mute" are counterproductive to the Community's goals and have been applied by a majority culture that does not understand or appreciate the Deaf Community as a unique cultural minority.

Do you see the difference? Do you understand my frustration, maybe a bit? This is college. I gave a college answer. One of us is demonstrating synthesis and application of ideas. One of us is paraphrasing the fucking textbook.

I rest my case.

with scarves of red tied 'round their throats

They closed TCC today because of the weather. This means I don't have to go to work or class today. This is like a present to me because I get paid for snow days. So, yes. I love snow days. I got up at five and did homework. I got one of my discussion board questions done and I got to talk about gay marriage. So that made me happy. I was answering the question, "Are there entitlements or privileges inherent with membership in a majority culture group?" I told Emily it seemed like a trick question because of fucking course there are. Emily said that should be my answer: "of fucking course there are." As much as I would have liked to put that as an answer, instead I talked about lack of access for the Deaf, and then I talked about how gay people can't get married. I felt really good about it.

Then we had a delicious snow-day breakfast. We had omelets with muenster cheese and avocados, fired polenta, toast with jam and tea and orange juice. It was awesome and delicious. Fried polenta is just about the most delicious thing ever. If you don't know what polenta is, I'll explain: polenta is like Italian grits. They are made with yellow corn. You can eat them with marinara sauce and cheese. Then you can take the leftovers and refrigerate. Then the next morning you can cut them into slices, dip in flour, and brown in a pan. They are like little tasty-delicious corn cakes. Magnifique!

Then it was nap time, and what a lovely nap it was, except I had a dream I made out with the straight girl I am not chasing. So that was incredibly lame of me. I'm not chasing her. Not. I don't do that shit. It only ends in ridiculous embarrassment. (I know this from experience. Which is why I don't fucking chase straight girls, ok, Emily?) Anyway. Stupid dreams. But the nap, on a whole, was very satisfying.

On this lovely paid day off, I have to feel bad for my sister and Krystal, who went to work today even though the streets are made of ice. Sorry guys. You are such troopers, though, and I love you to deathsies. Honest. I will buy you each a cup of hot cocoa when the roads are navigable again.

This snow day is exactly what I needed because I almost didn't go to work yesterday, but decided it is a bad habit to take off just because of horrendous PMS. I thought I should save my call-in for a subsequent period day that might be even worse. And now, I don't even have to worry about it because the lord brought us snow. And by "the lord," I mean the weather.

Happy snow day, fuckers.

every tool is a weapon if you hold it right

So I've been obsessing about my online class, as is my OCD way. You kind of have to be obsessive about online classes though because they require a lot of time. So the obsession is good, I guess. But all of my friends, and my mother, separately, have heard (or seen, as the case may be) my diatribe about how stupid my classmates are and how much it pisses me off. Their answers are inadequate, they are just paraphrasing the book, how am I supposed to respond to these idiots, etc.

I realized that I am being an intellectual snob, again. Just like the first time around when (some) people thought I was a condescending bitch. I kind of am sometimes. But the snobbery partly just is, and partly is a coping mechanism. I've talked about this before, but I feel like I have to build this tower of smartness that I can sit at the top of and watch everyone else scurrying about below me. Does that awful analogy make sense? I have this terrible perfectionist bent that I have not, as of yet, been able to rid myself of.

Also, I have to deal with idiots (not necessarily idiots, some are confused, some are undereducated, some have learning disabilities, but I'm peaches-and-cream to all of them, even the shitty unappreciative ones) all day at work. I would enjoy it if my classes were populated by halfway-intellegent people. Alas, this is TCC. It is a little too much to hope for. My ASL 2 class is fine. All girls. They're all nice enough. We're having a study group on Sunday at Panera. Emily might show up and surprise everyone.

Anyway... I'm an elitist. I can't really help it. Lucky for me all my friends are too.

i hate paperwork

So here's the skinny on my tribal grant application, which I am sure you really want to know about. You've been dying to hear about it and now that I am finally blogging about it you are so relieved in your heart of hearts.

Ok. Firstly, I have to get a duplicate CDIB (Certificate of Degree of Indian Blood) card. But to do that I need a birth certificate. So I went on the Santa Clara County website to order one. It cost $23. It will arrive in 2-3 weeks from when I fax them the notarized form I printed off (lucky for me there is a Notary Public on campus so that's no big deal). I could have paid an extra $19 to have it in one week via UPS, but I could not justify that. Ok. So once I have my birth certificate I have to get copies of my Dad's birth certificate and his Dad's birth certificate and send them in with the Duplicate CDIB app. Then I have to send in my Tribal Membership application. Once I receive my CDIB card and my Tribal Membership card I can send in my grant application. I also have to send them my TCC transcript and a class schedule for this semester. My transcript must say "Degree-Seeking," which it will as soon as TCC receives my KCAI transcript. They may have already received it.

Whew. And all of that mess equals a potential $400 from my tribe. Fuck, though, they are making me work for it.

It'll all get sorted out, though. Eventually.

christianity rant

So people in my online class are saying things like "thank the Lord" and "God Bless," and I fucking hate that shit. How about we all keep our religious bullshit to ourselves, please. That shit has no place in class discussion, I don't think. Except inasmuch as Christianity is part of the discussion about culture. Beyond that, though, it is completely gross and unnecessary.

I don't give a shit that you love Jesus.

I don't love Jesus.

Let's tone down the godspeak, please.

I'm not quite sure why it bothers me so much, but it fucking does so I am writing about it. I'm just glad I'm not in a class like Krystal was in about something controversial like sexuality. I am quite sure it would activate my rage.

i don't give a damn about my reputation

So. I know I've kind of dropped off on the blogging. But it's for a reason. After not posting anything to the tumblr blog for about a week (due to lack of internet over the break) I can't make myself start up again knowing that the ex might still be reading it. It creates to many weird head-things for me. I might start a different one with a different name. I don't know. I did like that blog. It sucks that it got ruined.

Blerg. Anyway. I've been stressed out and a crazy OCD panic-monster because of school starting and my ridiculous anxiety about it, but now that the semester has started (and enrollment seems to be way, way down this semester as evidenced by the weird lack of traffic in the LRC) I'm feeling more confident about stuff and am no longer freaking out about nothing. For now, anyway.

And then last night Emily texted me and informed me that I have a "good reputation" in the Deaf community and that the instructors are talking about me and think I will "go far." So that's a loverly little ego-boost even though I think half my reputation is from Emily talking about me like I am the greatest thing since the electric vibrator. The other half is, of course, due to my shining awesomeness.

One of the first assignments for my Intro to Interpreting class was to observe a "communication event" and take notes on the variables an interpreter would encounter if they were interpreting that event. Not specifically one where an interpreter is involved, but anything where people are communicating (i.e. a meeting, church service, doctor's appointment, etc). For lack of a better option, I chose to go to Mom's fruity ACIM (A Course in Miracles, the most ridiculous weird confusing esoteric abstract bullshit religious text since the bible itself) class at her fruity church. It was goofy and lasted way too long, but I got good notes, and, best of all, got it over with and my response posted to the discussion board. So everything is all gravy.

And and and. On top of school starting off good and ego boosts and all that, Krystal is having a burlesque dancer for her bachelorette party! I am so fucking excited. It's going to be awesome and perfect and much better than the smelly strip club Adam and the boys are going to.

On an unrelated note, someone on one of the blogs I read called Rick Warren an "antediluvian sexist," which gave me a laugh because it sounds funny (funny as in awesome because college words paired with words like "sexist," "racist," and "asshole" are always gold) and it is completely true. He is, that purpose-driven shithead. Fuck him for counseling victims of domestic violence not to get divorced. And fuck him for that bullshit he said to Ann Curry about gay marriage. Maybe he'll have a heart attack and die during Obama's inauguration.

A girl can dream, can't she?

p.s. Add Samuel Alito to the drop-dead-miraculously list.

stupid stupid stupid

I don't think I can get money from my tribe because I am not degree-seeking. This throws a wrench in my plans. And I can't just say I am degree-seeking because my transcript says I am not. So I would have to go to Registration and lie to them and get them to change it. And I don't think I am comfortable with that.

It's just a lot of bullshit and I don't know what I am going to do, except go to Financial Aid and bitch at them for their uselessness. And then beg my dad for money. Again. Awesome.

Maybe I'll get some money back when I file my taxes and I can use that to help pay for school. The shitty thing is that I have to cut back my hours at work this semester because we are only allowed to work a certain number of hours per year (which runs from July to June) and I am in danger of going over.

And as much as I would love to prostitute myself to hot business ladies, I am quite certain my fantasy and actual reality don't quite match up. I'll have to save earning-school-money-by-fucking-sexy-businesswomen for my dreams.

And what a dream that would be.

a school list

I need to:

call the Choctaw Nation about getting new Tribal Membership and CDIB cards

see if the Higher Ed. Grant department still have mine on file

take the Financial Needs Analysis sheet to Financial Aid so they can fill it out

send off the rest of the grant application packet for my tribe

go bitch at Financial Aid for still having not processed my financial aid request from last semester

see how much my books cost

don't freak out about tuition, it'll all work out

call my dad (probably) to see if he wants to give me money for school

i made that class my bitch

I got my grade today for ASL 1. I totally rocked that class to pieces. I got 387.8 points out of 390 possible points, which is a 99.4%. This makes me very happy. I did all my homework and only missed one class (and that was for the Deaf, Deaf World thing in Stillwater). I am so proud of me.

Yay!

I even felt kind of sad this morning that I don't have class today. I like class.

But now I get to rest and get good and bored so I will be ready when next semester starts. That is my plan, anyway.

On an unrelated note, I was going to go back and find my New Year's Resolution blog from last year but I decided that would be a bad idea because even though I'm sure my resolutions were good I don't need to be going back to that headspace I was in a year ago. I am a different person now. I don't know that Natalie anymore, which is weird but completely true.

Anyway. Going back to school-related stuff, fucking TCC still hasn't processed my financial aid and I am really pissed about it. Those bastards. Every time I call them they're just like, "You just have to wait..." I'm tired of fucking waiting. They should not still be processing shit for a semester that is over in two days. That is ridiculous. I don't even care about this semester. I want to know about next semester. Ugh. Whatever. It'll all work out. Somehow.