everybody's gotta live

with captions

dem bones

beautiful morning

how does one know if she has forgiven?

"You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstance instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with him. You tend to have nothing left to remember to say about it at all. You understand the suffering that drove the offense to begin with. You prefer to remain outside the milieu. You are not waiting for anything. You are not wanting anything. There is no lariat snare around your ankle stretching from way back there to here. You are free to go. It may not have turned out to be a happily ever after, but most certainly there is now a fresh Once upon a time waiting for you from this day forward."

i hate mondays

This happened while I was in class last night:

Laura: "I watched in horror as a woman with her two children took pictures of her dog killing a neighborhood cat. As I was screaming at her she said,'Bitch, mind your business and get back in your house before I kick your ass.' I called the police who were not really interested, but it made the girls run away. I got Nancy and we buried the cat in the back yard."

I got home, exhausted, after my class and Mom told me about it. I cried. Lots.

I'm trying to shake it off this morning.

Shit.

miel de luna

i don't know if this is funny or sad, probably both

friday evening, back porch, drinking kung fu girl

ragefulness is next to godliness

32 flavors

ani

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

both my parents taught me about good will
and i have done well by their names
just the kindness i've lavished on strangers
is more than i can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so i would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
till i'd passed and left them alone

and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a phoenix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying past

i'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and i would like to state for the record
i did everything that i could do
i'm not saying that i'm a saint
i just don't want to live that way
no, i will never be a saint
but i will always say

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said

hanging out with plants on my break from class

this is your captain speaking

This is me, practicing my headset-wearing skills. Apparently a large part of the class involves wearing a headset. Good thing I make it look cool.

guest lecturer

Why, who could it be come to spread her sunshine (and silly string) to our class but Emily, who came to teach us about being hilarious and awesome. Both very important skills for interpreters.

leftover meat, avocado (dinner)

1) it's what I have time and energy to prepare
2) it's yummy
3) also I am drinking hibiscus tea
4) you're jealous

ocd sketchbook panic

I will relate this story because I believe honesty is my duty, and this is honestly silly.

I went to Zeigler to buy a sketchbook for class because I refuse to write on paper with lines. Notebooks are depressing. They remind me of high school and that makes me want to throw up. So I take notes in sketchbooks. I used to buy the hard-spined kind, but then I realized that the spiral bound ones are very sturdy and more practical because they take up less space during use.

Anyway, buying a sketchbook, they didn't really have the kind I wanted but I got one anyway for some reason. It was expensive. But for some reason I felt pressure to not walk out of that store empty-handed. Shortly after purchasing the sketchbook I decided it was the "wrong" kind and I wanted to get another. I justified the purchase of superfluous sketchbooks by gifting the first one to Dave.

So we went to to stupid Michael's after lamenting the fact that there are no really good art supply stores in Tulsa (Zeigler's selection is mediocre) and I bought to sketchbooks that were the kind I wanted and way, way too expensive. Then, the day after that I went to Barnes and Noble and found perfect sketchbooks for $7 each. They even have Japanese waves on the cover. I had to get them, of course.

And that is the story of how I have five sketchbooks. The ones from Michael's are going back. I have the receipt. I don't have the heart to try and return the one from Zeigler. So Dave will take it. And I will use the "right" sketchbooks, which will absolutely guarantee my success in all endeavors. Right? I thought that's how these things work.

I know how silly I am. Trust me, I do. I just accept it. Because sketchbooks is really about pretty intense anxiety about school. So if finding the just-right sketchbook helps me feel more confident, then whatever. I let myself buy them.

One needs to coddle oneself from time to time. Especially when one is about to take a considerable risk.

So it's all good. I take care of my shit. And I always keeps it real.

elitism at its finest

Andrea has become a cheese snob. Naturally. I am ok with this because I get to reap the benefits of her snobbery. I will gladly eat a "cave-aged cheddar" and listen to her talk about salt crystals and gouda-parms, goat brie and sheepsmilk cam, penicillin rind and the fact that Whole Foods is the only store in Tulsa that makes their own mozzarella from the curd.

I just like cheese. Mostly hard cheeses. Parrano is one of my favorites. It's good on pasta.

I also love goat cheese. Mom smoked a giant pork shoulder and we had pork with herb goat cheese and it was so friggin' delicious.

Cheese is awesome. It's magic, too. Food science magic. Cave magic. Delicious magic

last hurrah

the cutest freak-cat ever

I'm going to be a giant homo and post this video of a cat. It's so fucking adorable.



Look at his little no-legs and short-tail! And his folded ears! It's like the trifecta of weird cuteness. Andrea agrees with me. Because of course I had to tell her all about it. She appreciates the adorably freakish.

chipotle!

kismet likes laps

i am so in love with rachel maddow

Rachel Maddow is so smart. She exposes all those conservative cocksuckers and makes them look like the crazy racist idiots they really are. She's not afraid of any of them. I love her show. And she's funny, and completely adorable.

Look at this video of her making a cocktail for some New York Magazine blog (it has captions):



Is she not the cutest little-boy lesbian, like, ever? Look at her glasses!

my cat does not look like a wombat

pervberry

As I admire the sexiness of my strawberry I realize how much I need to get laid.

books!

homesick

Sometimes I miss Kansas City. Like when a friend is visiting there and she has taken gorgeous sunrise pictures.

I think maybe, someday, I would like to move back there. Maybe see if my school will take me back. I want to move back and experience KC on my own, standing on my own two feet in my handmade red shoes, seeing clearly and standing what I see.

And living in those beautiful apartments across from the Downtown library.

Someday.

look at those bangs

clarissa says what?

haunted

"Shameful secrets cause a person to become haunted. She cannot sleep, for a shaming secret is like a cruel barbed wire that catches her across the gut as she tries to run free."

bookcrossing

Adam G. Brennan got a grant to do this thing on all the campuses called BookCrossing. Basically you put special tags in books and leave them for people in random places, and then when someone picks it up they can go to the website and enter the tag number and then leave a note about it, and then they are supposed to leave the book somewhere else for someone else to find. It's a pretty neat idea. I was forced volunteered to be the "point person" for NE campus. Here is my box of books!

dead zone

sorrowful error

"When there is a black secret in the pyche, a woman can go nowhere near it, and in fact protects herself from coming into contact with anything that will remind her of it or cause her already chronic pain to crest to an even more intense level."

no, seriously, i'm like the biggest dork ever

Krystal and I were scheming last night, as we are wont to do. This time it was about the lesbian superhero comic that we are going to write and have her little sister illustrate because neither of us can draw.

I'm excited. I really like our superhero. She's troubled, works at a dyke bar. She can fly, I think.

It's going to be great. And sexy. And awesome. You'll see.

i'm a dork

I like the new Shakira song. They lyrics are okayish (it's better in Spanish). But she has a weird, hot voice and does crazy things with her body. I really like her dancing. And she's sexually empowered. And hot.

The video has the lyrics with it. They are kind of hard to read though unless you click through to the actual youtube page.

time warp

I just had a really weird flashback to watching The Truth About Jane at my dad's house. He happens to walk in, of course, right at the point in the movie where the gay teacher kisses her girlfriend. And I believe he may have said "What the hell is that?!" or something similar. He's such a gem.

Ah, funtimes. That's all I have, just felt the need to share that.

school night

ani

she went over to his apartment
clutching her decision
and he said, did you come here to tell me goodbye?
so she built a skyscraper of procrastination
and then she leaned out the twenty-fifth floor window
of her reply
and she felt like an actress
just reading her lines
when she finally said
yes. it's really goodbye this time
and far below was the blacktop
and the tiny toy cars
and it all fell so fast
and it all fell so far

and she said:
you are a miracle but that is not all
you are also a stiff drink and i am on call
you are a party and i am a school night
and i'm lookin' for my door key
but you are my porch light

and you'll never know, dear
just how much i loved you
you'll probably think this was
just my big excuse
but i stand committed
to a love that came before you
and the fact that i adore you
is but one of my truths

what of the mother
whose house is in flames
and both of her children
are in their beds crying
and she loves them both
with the whole of her heart
but she knows she can only
carry one at a time?
she's choking on the smoke
of unthinkable choices
she is haunted by the voices
of so many desires
she's bent over from the business
of begging forgiveness
while frantically running around
putting out fires

but then what kind of scale
compares the weight of two beauties
the gravity of duties
or the ground speed of joy?
tell me what kind of gauge
can quantify elation?
what kind of equation
could i possibly employ?
and you'll never know, dear
just how much i loved you
you probably think this was
just my big excuse
but i stand committed
to a love that came before you
and the fact that i adore you
is just one of my truths

so i
i'm goin' home
to please the one i so love pleasing
and i don't expect
he'll have much sympathy for my grieving
but i guess that this is the price
that we pay for the privilege
of living for even a day
in a world with so many things
worth believing
in

piñata!

My piñata was full of baby liquors! Yay!

more giant cucumbers

poster!

Mom got my Andrew Bird gig poster framed for me for my birthday! It's so lovely! I just need to figure out where to hang it.

my birthday

The perfect gift for my birthday was being surrounded by my wonderful soul-family. It is the best present a girl could hope for. So, thank you. You are the loves of my life.

63 degrees

It is cold! So cold that I am using this "FREEDOM IS NOT FREE" blanket that one of my lovely, patriotic coworkers let me borrow. And all I can think of is that song from Team America, World Police.

august 7

Important births:

Alonso de Ercilla y Zúñiga, 1533

Elizabeth Báthory, 1560

Emil Nolde, 1867

Mata Hari, 1876

Louis Leakey, 1903

Albert Kotin, 1907

Garrison Keillor, 1942

Charlize Theron, 1975

Natalie, 1983

birthday party morning

What a beautiful day it is to celebrate my birth!

my dad got a puppy

I am always wary of my father's attempts to communicate with me via e-mail because in the past they have led to some very unlovely interactions. However, I am willing to set that aside momentarily to appreciate the cuteness of his new puppy. Look at its little tiny legs. Adorable!

p.s. Its name is Gumball.

my favorite place ever in the world

I am at the doctor. I am so thrilled. I consider it the first phase of my birthday celebration. No. I got bit by a fucking spider. So that's great. And the embarrassing crybaby meltdown I had while trying to find a parking space downtown, the one that had been building up for a number of weeks, most likely, was just icing on the cake of my fabulous almost-my-birthday day.

But. I have a prescription for antibiotics, so I won't die from my "venomous insect bite." I also won't get gross zombie rot like I saw when I googled "spider bite." You should definitely NOT do a Google Image search for "spider bite." (Or "zombie rot," for that matter. Blech.)

In conclusion, I have survived the following today: spiders, downtown, meltdown, the doctor (ARNP, actually, oops), and zombies.

I am so special.

what is behind

spider is our mother

"The spider is a symbol with three distinct meanings; sometimes they merge or overlap, sometimes one or the other predominates. The three meanings are derived from: (i) the creative power of the spider, as exemplified in the weaving of its web; (ii) the spider's agressiveness; and (iii) the spider's web as a spiral net converging towards a central point. The spider sitting in its web is a symbol of the centre of the world, and is hence regarded in India as Maya, the eternal weaver of the web of illusion. The spider's destructive powers are also connected with its significance as a symbol of the world of phenomena. As Schneider points out, spiders, in their ceaseless weaving and killing- building and destroying- symbolize the ceaseless alternation of forces on which the stability of the universe depends. For this reason, the symbolism of the spider goes deep, signifying, as it does, that 'continuous sacrifice' which is the means of man's continual transmutation throughout the course of his life. Even death itself merely winds up the thread of an old life in order to spin a new one. The spider is a lunar animal because the moon (owing to its passive character, in the sense that it merely reflects light, and because of its waxing and waning phases, taking these in the positive and negative sense) is related to the world of phenomena, and, on the psychic level, to the imagination. Thus, the moon, since it holds sway over the whole phenomenal world (for all phenomenal forms are subject to growth and death), weaves the thread of each man's destiny. Accordingly, the moon is depicted as a gigantic spider in many myths."

from A Dictionary of Symbols by Juan Eduardo Cirlot

scientist puppy

lap puppy

scrap metal

11th grade

occupational torture, a.k.a. design a sports-themed display

The banner says "Exercise your right to read at the LRC!" Gay, I know. (It was my idea.)

Bonus for me, though, is harboring sexual fantasies about the Williams sisters. Both. At the same time.

it's still as a graveyard, if it's so hard why do i keep on trying?

What does one do in a situation such as this?

Listen to faggy sad-sack music. The Mountain Goats. Anais Mitchell and Rachel Ries' Country EP.

Drink. Swim. Turn brown, shade by shade.

Add to my literary arsenal.

Read about the dangers of charm and persistence. Charm is a verb, not a noun.

Read about red shoes and blue beards and gilded carriages.

I can't say, "His beard is not so blue." Not anymore.

There are inner cultures as well as outer cultures. They behave remarkably alike.

I can let go, though. Let the poison-filled balloons rise into the sky, upward into the dark where they will burst and burn up in the atmosphere.

"There is no right time or wrong time... It's just that sooner hurts less than later."

birthday mantle

grids are boring

front yard

happy friendship day!

Krystal sent me this ecard for Friendship Day, which is today. It is too perfect. You know, I try my best to make all my friends seem gay by association. It's the least I can do. Except most of my friends are gay anyway. Andrea is a carrier. If she and Dave ever have babies they'll probably turn out gay. One can hope.

So happy Friendship Day to all my friends, especially Krystal and Emily, and Andrea, who thinks blogs are for dorks. So she is a dork by proxy because I mentioned her in my blog. Bloggedy blog blog. Ha.

Loves. My life is brighter and more colorful because of you.

letter

June 3rd, 1984

Hi Nancy, Mike & Natalie:

Hope you are all well now. We made it home ok, in spite of everything. Had a rough plane ride see-sawing through high storm clouds in New Mexico and West Texas. Somehow we both kept everything down.

Your mother was still a little shaky today, but she is ok now.

The weather here is beautiful now, 80's in the daytime and sunny, and 60's at night. It can't last much longer.

Kristi is getting ready for a week of Church Camp on Lake Wister in the Kiamichi Mountains. I hope I get to drive them down there tomorrow.

I want to get a cabin and stay there for a couple of days, but I think your mother is in a tennis tournament.

We enjoyed visiting with you even tho we were confined to quarters. Natalie is growing up so fast and we really miss seeing her grow up, so we were really pleased to be with you, even under difficult circumstances.

Watch for your Anniversary Gift. It will probably arrive by UPS, hopefully in a week or two.

Take care of each other, and Natalie.

Nancy & Natalie, we will see you in July.

Mike, we will see you when you come thru on your trip.

Take care.

Love/
Dad, Mom & Kristi

my new npr sticker!

i wasn't going to drink that or anything