le sigh

This is what happens when I try to do homework:

this is my frustrated face

business as usual

Dinner with my grandparents was normal. Laura and I were hilarious. Mom forgot her credit card so Laura paid. Grandpa sat quietly while Grandma regaled us with a subtly racist story about the time she was in the hospital, and she thought she died and went to fat heaven. (Apparently, fat people can't get in to regular heaven.)

Normal.

Mom spent 10 minutes trying to get in contact with her brother to see if he was going to come to Whole Foods for dessert.

SOP. Goodness.

andrea and her dream dog

no thanks

I don't know why people keep giving me these things, but I'm not fucking interested.

i usually love my life

Today I do not.

I think it is the combination of awful cramps and a monstrous behind-the-eyeball migraine.

I'm allowed to have a bad day.

I try really hard not to get ultra-negative, because negativity is something that exacerbates itself. I'll go on a rant, sure, but that is something different.

But I feel like shit today.

I'm calling this day out for what it is: crappy.

I'm emotional and hormone hijacked. Really, really tired. In pain. Did I say tired?

My period makes me feel like a crazy person and I hate it. Because usually I'm upbeat and optimistic. I'm cheerful, friendly, approachable, etc.

But now. Not so much. I hate everyone. I hate every stupid student who comes in asking for my help. Fuck you. I don't want to help you. Be a fucking adult and help yourself. And, no, ILL Librarian, I don't "want" to copy 40 pages out of a book for you. That is your job, not mine.

It's funny. I know there is something to learn in this. Maybe it is that I am too nice. I like being nice, though. Except when I am on my period. I sort of wish it were like in the olden days when they sent menstruating women off into seclusion. Menstruation seems like a sacred thing that should be private. Then again it seems like a major pain in my ass, and I totally hate it.

We wouldn't do it if it weren't necessary. I get it. Purging toxins, or whatever.

But still. Blech.

I need a nap.

family. blerg.

So. This little FB vignette is so hilarious I just had to share it. I feel like it sums up my relationship with my uncle, and my family in general, perfectly.

You may have to click on the picture to see it well enough, but you will notice that everyone, including people I don't know all that well and who are not related to me in any way or who I haven't talked to in a long time, said something nice and comforting, or, at the very least said "sorry." Even the French girl. Anyway. My uncle's comment: "?" Seriously, what the fuck is that? I refuse to respond to such ridiculous nonsense. I feel like all the pertinent information is right fucking there. My cat is sick/old/something (hence the call to the vet about having her put to sleep). I'm sad about it, but I have to go to class anyway, bleary-eyed from crying and emotionally spent. What about that is so confusing?

It's classic, really. Bloody hell. Thanks, bio-fam, for consistently not getting it. Makes me appreciate my soul-family, chosen-family, tribe, whatever word you like to use for the people you love most and choose to surround yourself with.

I find it funny. It's just like the gay penguin incident. You should totally reread the blog of it because it is brilliant and I am really awesome.

Sometimes, like last night when one of Andrea's lesbians-- that bitch has more lesbian friends than I do-- Kim, was over for dinner, and we were talking about a crazy borderline girl who she used to date (and who gave another girl two black eyes), and Andrea and I are offering such sage wise advice, and Kim says, "You guys are so awesome, I feel so much better now," I almost feel like I know what I'm talking about. And I feel like Emily and Krystal and Mom would be so proud of me for having ovarios and being a genius.

And I am so proud of little sis, too, for being such a badass strong person, and for reading The Gift of Fear and understanding and internalizing it and incoroporating it into her life. She knows where it's at.

The moral of this story is: family=blerg, true family=more wonderful than words can express, gay penguins=adorable.

maybe it's because i forgot to eat lunch

But I came home and sobbed for a bit about the cat, who is still alive, somehow, although very much on her way out. It breaks my fucking heart. Fuck. It's so sad. If you saw her you'd understand. She is skeletal. Barely there. Can't walk, can barely move, has trouble breathing. Makes sad little whimpering noises.

Tomorrow morning, if she lives through the night, Mom is taking her to the vet. I'll be at work. I hope Laura goes with her. Mom shouldn't have to go by herself.

Le sigh. For some reason I'm compelled to listen to "Big Yellow Taxi" by Joni Mitchell.

Now I'm going over to Andrea's.

the cat

I don't know if my cat is even going to make it through the night. God. She's so bad off. I wish we could just take her right now to the vet. She's so old and sick and like dying right in front of me. This morning she could sort of walk, and now she can't even stand up.

I hate this so much.

not only was it free, it was also decorated

best patriotic t-shirt, ever

I had to share this t-shirt because it is just too funny. Here is some of the copy:

"The New America Symbol has a familiar shape and fifty stars that represent the 50 wealthiest people in America. There are five stripes that represent the number of points on each star. Notice the Freedom Eagle's American teardrop -- he is either extremely angry or extremely proud. This is a type of Extreme Pride that says 'I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, foreigner, but I'm better than you. My country invented Batman.' "

Ha. Hilarious.

Here is another t-shirt that I would totally buy if I didn't think it would get me face-punched:

But this is Oklahoma, and I value my life enough to not test the redneck waters. For now, anyway. Also, they're out of my size, so maybe that's why I'm not buying it.

this is not an apple

isabell (vloglet)

seriously, though, keep your mitts off my apple

vlog? what?

I'm testing my new webcam. I made a silly video because I want to start a vlog (in ASL) for practice.

Which is totally gay, I know.

And I know there is glare off my glasses and the damned thing is backlit, but it's just a test.

keep your mitts off my apple

i think i'm still drunk from last night

What people don't seem to understand is that the combined love of people in your life, that is god.

What I feel when I listen to Soul music. That is god.

My family and the time we share with each other. That is god.

God is not up in the sky, separate from life. sitting on a cloud-throne. That's just silliness.

God is not god. God is the magic in our lives, everyday. God is the rocks and the trees and the sky and the rain.

God is in everyone and through everyone and everywhere all around us.

And god is not the right term. "God" is not sufficient. "Shiny Sophia" (borrowed from Em) is closer.

It's just like that book, Old Turtle. One of my favorite books from childhood that makes me cry every time I read it.

So no, god does not "love you more" than your family. God is your family. That is god manifest. Only I hate the word god because of the history of it.

Ok. I'm done.

the one and only thing i have to say on the subject

self evident
by ani difranco

yes,
us people are just poems
we're 90% metaphor
with a leanness of meaning
approaching hyper-distillation
and once upon a time
we were moonshine
rushing down the throat of a giraffe
yes, rushing down the long hallway
despite what the p.a. announcement says
yes, rushing down the long stairs
with the whiskey of eternity
fermented and distilled
to eighteen minutes
burning down our throats
down the hall
down the stairs
in a building so tall
that it will always be there
yes, it's part of a pair
there on the bow of noah's ark
the most prestigious couple
just kickin back parked
against a perfectly blue sky
on a morning beatific
in its indian summer breeze
on the day that america
fell to its knees
after strutting around for a century
without saying thank you
or please

and the shock was subsonic
and the smoke was deafening
between the setup and the punch line
cuz we were all on time for work that day
we all boarded that plane for to fly
and then while the fires were raging
we all climbed up on the windowsill
and then we all held hands
and jumped into the sky

and every borough looked up when it heard the first blast
and then every dumb action movie was summarily surpassed
and the exodus uptown by foot and motorcar
looked more like war than anything i've seen so far
so far
so far
so fierce and ingenious
a poetic specter so far gone
that every jackass newscaster was struck dumb and stumbling
over 'oh my god' and 'this is unbelievable' and on and on
and i'll tell you what, while we're at it
you can keep the pentagon
keep the propaganda
keep each and every tv
that's been trying to convince me
to participate
in some prep school punk's plan to perpetuate retribution
perpetuate retribution
even as the blue toxic smoke of our lesson in retribution
is still hanging in the air
and there's ash on our shoes
and there's ash in our hair
and there's a fine silt on every mantle
from hell's kitchen to brooklyn
and the streets are full of stories
sudden twists and near misses
and soon every open bar is crammed to the rafters
with tales of narrowly averted disasters
and the whiskey is flowin'
like never before
as all over the country
folks just shake their heads
and pour

so here's a toast to all the folks who live in palestine
afghanistan
iraq

el salvador

here's a toast to the folks living on the pine ridge reservation
under the stone cold gaze of mt. rushmore

here's a toast to all those nurses and doctors
who daily provide women with a choice
who stand down a threat the size of oklahoma city
just to listen to a young woman's voice

here's a toast to all the folks on death row right now
awaiting the executioner's guillotine
who are shackled there with dread and can only escape into their heads
to find peace in the form of a dream

cuz take away our playstations
and we are a third world nation
under the thumb of some blue blood royal son
who stole the oval office and that phony election
i mean
it don't take a weatherman
to look around and see the weather
jeb said he'd deliver florida, folks
and boy did he ever

and we hold these truths to be self evident:
#1 george w. bush is not president
#2 america is not a true democracy
#3 the media is not fooling me
cuz i am a poem heeding hyper-distillation
i've got no room for a lie so verbose
i'm looking out over my whole human family
and i'm raising my glass in a toast

here's to our last drink of fossil fuels
may we vow to get off of this sauce
shoo away the swarms of commuter planes
and find that train ticket we lost
cuz once upon a time the line followed the river
and peeked into all the backyards
and the laundry was waving
the graffiti was teasing us
from brick walls and bridges
we were rolling over ridges
through valleys
under stars
i dream of touring like duke ellington
in my own railroad car
i dream of waiting on the tall blonde wooden benches
in a grand station aglow with grace
and then standing out on the platform
and feeling the air on my face

give back the night its distant whistle
give the darkness back its soul
give the big oil companies the finger finally
and relearn how to rock-n-roll
yes, the lessons are all around us and the truth is waiting there
so it's time to pick through the rubble, clean the streets
and clear the air
get our government to pull its big dick out of the sand
of someone else's desert
put it back in its pants
and quit the hypocritical chants of
freedom forever

cuz when one lone phone rang
in two thousand and one
at ten after nine
on nine one one
which is the number we all called
when that lone phone rang right off the wall
right off our desk and down the long hall
down the long stairs
in a building so tall
that the whole world turned
just to watch it fall

and while we're at it
remember the first time around?
the bomb?
the ryder truck?
the parking garage?
the princess that didn't even feel the pea?
remember joking around in our apartment on avenue D?

can you imagine how many paper coffee cups would have to change their design
following a fantastical reversal of the new york skyline?!

it was a joke, of course
it was a joke
at the time
and that was just a few years ago
so let the record show
that the FBI was all over that case
that the plot was obvious and in everybody's face
and scoping that scene
religiously
the CIA
or is it KGB?
committing countless crimes against humanity
with this kind of eventuality
as its excuse
for abuse after expensive abuse
and it didn't have a clue
look, another window to see through
way up here
on the 104th floor
look
another key
another door
10% literal
90% metaphor
3000 some poems disguised as people
on an almost too perfect day
should be more than pawns
in some asshole's passion play
so now it's your job
and it's my job
to make it that way
to make sure they didn't die in vain
sshhhhhh....
baby listen
hear the train?

if you're ever worried, if you're all alone

I had the best three-hour long dinner last night, and it gives me the strength to keep muddling through.

Muddling, I am.

And I try my best. Try to be confident. Try not to panic. Try to relax.

Muddle, muddle, muddle.

Persist.

That's all I can do.

(I can also listen to Sam Cooke and the Temptations. That helps.)

practice

I watched this today:



And practiced voicing it. It's a good story.

sharon brought a giant bowl of ham to the meeting

what does it mean if the sign is living in your backyard now?

So the ghost-dog that was howling at Kismet, the one Emily told me was a sign is living in our backyard, temporarily. Laura is taking care of him because Laura takes care of strays. That's how she got Roxanne.

Anyway. This scares me because that ghost-dog was definitely a sign. I saw it. I felt it. He looked right at me and howled and I could see him in the moonlight and it was freaky. And then he should have disappeared like signs are supposed to, ghost-like. But he's still in the backyard.

That's totally messed up and crazy. What does it mean?

It definitely means something.

Blerg. I'll get to the bottom of it.

my new favorite song

This Party Just Took a Turn for the Douche
by Garfunkel and Oates
(captioned for your pleasure)



This song cracks me up. And these two girls are totally adorable. They have a song about gay marriage/duck sex which is pretty hilarious. Here is their website: garfunkelandoates.com.

I think I might be in love with them.

p.s. Favorite line: "Gonna pop my collar like Limbaugh pops oxy."

afternoontimes

silliness (god bless you, funny or die)

First, watch this ridiculous ad (it has captions, so does the second one):



It's afwul, and might make you mad.

Now, watch this:



It will make it all better. It's got a couple good cameos.

But the ad, the allegedly "legitimate" ad, is so very ridiculous, and it is typical majority-oppressor tactics to pretend that their loss of undeserved privilege is a violation of their rights. Republicans, especially Pat Buchanan (who randomly likes to defend Hitler for some insane reason), love to try and pull that shit. "Who is looking out for the poor white people? They built this country (ahem, on the backs of slaves, let's not forget that) and now minorities are trying to level the playing field, and then whatever will we do when our race alone no longer guarantees our success?"

It's silly. Rachel Maddow called Buchanan out on her show, which is one of her favorite pastimes. She made him look like an utter, utter fool, which he undoubtedly is. It was beautiful.

funtimes, asltimes

I had such a wonderful time last night. We went to Cafe Ole for delicious dinner and drinks, and Mom and Laura got their sign names, and then Emily taught them some really important signs (the dirty ones) and it was just great and I drank a few beers and a giant shot of Patrón. We had such a good time. It was great learning and playing and I got to practice voicing for Emily a tiny bit.

Mostly we just laughed raucously. And teased each other and said highly inappropriate things, which is just our way. It is so lovely to have a family such as this.

My whole little midtown family. Keeping it real on the North(ish) side.

Family dinners are the best. I love and cherish them for the treasure they are. Jewels.

I love so much that little sis and Krys are just a block away from me, and Em is just a quick zip across the river.

It strengthens me to feel everyone so close. And to know you are just right there.

I love you all more than you will ever know. More than words can say.

And now I have to go to work.

hell yeah

ani

life is a b movie
it's stupid and it's strange
a directionless story
and the dialogue is lame
but in the he said she said
sometimes there's some poetry
if you turn your back long enough
and let it happen naturally
oh, yeah
hell yeah

i got a face like a limp handshake
hair like an accident scene
i've been waking up slowly
savoring the same old dream
and somewhere between
the folds of your memory
i was sleeping soundly
oh, yeah
hell yeah

'cause i like you
but i know you don't know it
i like you so much,
i talk to everyone but you
and i wonder
what you would think of this little number
i wonder
what you would say if you knew

if you don't ask the right questions
every answer feels wrong
i was a terrible waitress
so i started to write songs
and i don't know how i feel
but i wonder if you feel like me
do you ever get wrapped up
in the folds of my memory
oh, yeah
hell, yeah

'cause i like you
but i know you don't know it
i like you so much
i talk to everyone but you
and i wonder
what you would think of this little number
yeah i wonder
what you would say if you knew

there's a river of people
that runs past my eyes
and it's beautiful enough
just to watch it go by
but the trouble with water is
she'll always leave you for gravity
i never even told you
i had a crush on you or anything
oh, yeah
hell yeah

life is a b movie
it's stupid and it's strange
a directionless story
and the dialogue is lame
but in the he said she said
sometimes there's some poetry
if you turn your back long enough
and let it happen naturally
oh, yeah
hell yeah

internet captioning and HR 3101

It's in ASL, with subtitles.