houses

So. Mom talked like she might move in with Laura in the future, but that she doesn't want to sell her house. Which means I might get to live in it by my lonesome. Which would be cool. Weird, but cool. I haven't lived alone, ever. I think I can hack it. It'd still be weird.

I always hated it when Jacob was gone in the middle of the night. I hated being alone at night in our first apartment. It was so open and we lived in a sketchy neighborhood. Like the kind where there are homeless people who get the cans out of your trash and prostitutes who set up shop in the alley behind the apartments across the street and there are gigantic drug busts in houses a couple blocks away. Oh, yes. And someone breaks into your friend's apartment and rapes her. Fun stuff like that.

Wow. I haven't thought about that in a really long time. Kansas City is kind of a messed up place. It rubs off on you, a little. Fucked up shit happened there. Stuff that I don't think about too much anymore. Except for late at night when I'm avoiding sleep and homework.

Oh, lordy. I was so unhappy. But not all the time. It's weird. Such mixed emotions. It was amazing. It was awful. I can't separate the experience from either extreme. It was a roller coaster. Makes sense. I have bipolar disorder. Hadn't been diagnosed yet. I was medicated. And in therapy. Cognitive Behavioral. Maybe that is the wrong kind for me. Although, my therapist did teach me about deposits and withdrawals and shopping for groceries that aren't there no matter how many times you look for them. And other things. Thereapeutic things.

I also feel fine about not seeing a therapist right now. The last time I was in therapy I was starving, more like I was allowing myself to be starved. But I changed the situation and got over it and I've been pretty great (with bumps, of course) ever since. I talk about my feelings all the time. With people who give me really good feedback and who are awesome and kind and loving. I feel like a therapist would be superfluous.

nothing better

I found out today that my very best friend, Krystal, is going to be moving into a house that is less than two blocks from mine. Also, my sister is going to be moving to a house a block away. My two favorite ladies in the whole wide world, and they will be so close! Andrea's already close. She and Dave live fourish blocks away from me right now.

It's just weirdly serendipitous and awesome that this is happening. I just love that we will be like one big awesome family. I just love it. And the houses they are moving into are both so cute. Ah, the fam. How fucking great is that? I want to cry. I told Krystal I would cry if she got that house. Oh my god. Just. Wow.

I've been away from my family and soul friends. I've done that. I needed to. For growth and everything. But it is no way to be for very long. It pulls at you. Puts hairline cracks in your heart. No funskies. At fucking all.

Because what the fuck else real do you have in life? Seriously. Things? Things aren't real. Your friends are real. Your things aren't the ones who will answer the phone at 4am when you're having some ridiculous crisis about god-knows-what. (Not that you would call your friends in the middle of the night unless it was an absolute emergency. You know, boundaries and all.)

Anyway. The point is, I couldn't be happier about this amazing turn of events.

Fantastic.