beibo likes bandanas

He does. Look at how much he likes them.

pineapple sword

At the Brazilian steakhouse they bring you meats on a giant skewer! And they keep bringing meat until you tell them to stop. And they had roasted pineapple. It was delicious. And. They have my favorite cake ever in the world, tres leches cake!

The restaurant is called The Gaucho. It's on 61st and Sheridan. It is phenomenal. If you love meats including, but not limited to meats wrapped in bacon, you should try it.

Seriously, though, tres leches cake is the best cake ever.

p.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

breakfast times

Eating at Tally's Cafe. It's an old-school diner on historic Route 66 (11th street). Mom and Laura are real cute. Laura's shirt says ''World Famous.'' I like breakfast.

i made that final my bitch

I finished all my homework, motherfuckers. I managed to get an A in my ASL class, and a B in my Interpreting class. I feel pretty awesome about it.

I busted ass, and everything worked out. This is really the opposite of what happened the first time I was in college. I was really depressed and had way more stress than I had coping skills to deal with, so about three quarters of the way through the semester I would run out of steam and let everything go to shit. This happened a few times. And it never went to complete shit. I never failed any classes. But I was kind of steadily sinking the entire time I was in Kansas City. It was a situation that could not be sustained, which is why I had to get out of it.

And my main coping skill- detaching completely- did not serve me very well. I had other, even more destructive coping skills, too. It's so weird because I would never dream of doing that kind of shit anymore. It was bad. Really bad. I was not very nice to myself.

Things are so much different now. It's weird. Weird in the best way possible. Weird like how the fuck did I manage to survive myself and come to this place I am in now? The best I've ever been in my life. The healthiest, the copingest, the zest-for-life-havingest. It's kind of nuts.

Interestingly enough, I think dating Liz was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I learned what dying feels like. And I had the balls to say, "Enough! I can't kill my soul any longer." I chose myself. I loved myself the best. Which, for me, is completely amazing because I have always put other people before myself. I'm not completely over that sort of thinking, but I'm so much better.

Life is just so weird. Crazy, fucked up, not-so-awesome stuff happens, but the bad shit is what leads to breakthroughs. And that sucks sometimes. Most of the time. But each time you triumph over some obstacle you shed a little more of the bullshit that's been holding you back.

It's all a process. Everything.

I just remembered I thought of the beginning of a poem in the middle of the night last night. But it's gone, now. Maybe it'll come back later.

Anyway. Crazy stuff.

Also, I decided that my religion is learning. It is the best thing anyone can do, ever. I guess maybe teaching is, too. But we are all teachers who live our lives truly and fully and do not apologize for being and wanting. Naturally, I only associate with people who are their authentic selves always. If you can't be yourself and be with yourself as you really are, you'll never really live. You'll never feel or enjoy anything fully. You'll be a shadow. And that is so very sad. All the husk-people walking around asleep. Zombies.

You have to lead by example. Aspire to awesomeness. People are drawn to it. I promise.

for krystal

Kermit: Hey, Debbie, what’s this I hear about you wanting to do a rainbow song?
Debbie: Yeah. I just dig songs about rainbows.
Kermit: Oh, good.
Debbie: I sent you a list.
Kermit: Yeah, I got the list. “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and “I’m Always Chasing Rainbows.”
Debbie: Well, yeah, which one should I do?
Kermit: Well you left out one rainbow song.
Debbie: I did?
Kermit: Yeah. My rainbow song.
Debbie: Oh, that one. I thought you might be tired of that.
Kermit: Actually, no. I’m not tired of it at all.
Debbie: Well let’s do it then.
Kermit: Oh, good. I thought you’d never ask. It goes like this:


The Rainbow Connection

Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbow's are visions
They're only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some chose to
Believe it
But I know they're wrong wait and see

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far
What's so amazing
That keeps us star gazing
What so we think we might see

Someday we'll find it
That Rainbow Connection
The lovers the dreamers and me

Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Are these the sweet sounds that called
The young sailors
I think they're one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
There's something that I'm supposed to be

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

what was all that stuff i was saying about schlock?

I know it's gay, and a non sequitur, and the timing is all wrong, but I don't care. Plus, it was on the L-Word. Plus, this song has never made me cry, ever.



Ever.

p.s. It's subtitled.

i refuse to freak out

I won't do it. I can only do what I can do, and I have to accept that.

But I'm not going to lose it.

Not this time.

I do hate school right now. Good thing I have the summer to unhate it.

Deep breaths. It's not that big of a deal.

Plus, did I tell you the collection agency that wants money from me is offering to settle for $1800? That is so much better than $3000! That means I'll have enough money to pay off the card AND get my car fixed! Hooray!

what did you do with those letters you wrote to yourself, but could not address?

Dear Natalie,

Fantasies are dangerous. And you know better. Please drop this nonsense before it damages you.

Thanks,
Me

houses

So. Mom talked like she might move in with Laura in the future, but that she doesn't want to sell her house. Which means I might get to live in it by my lonesome. Which would be cool. Weird, but cool. I haven't lived alone, ever. I think I can hack it. It'd still be weird.

I always hated it when Jacob was gone in the middle of the night. I hated being alone at night in our first apartment. It was so open and we lived in a sketchy neighborhood. Like the kind where there are homeless people who get the cans out of your trash and prostitutes who set up shop in the alley behind the apartments across the street and there are gigantic drug busts in houses a couple blocks away. Oh, yes. And someone breaks into your friend's apartment and rapes her. Fun stuff like that.

Wow. I haven't thought about that in a really long time. Kansas City is kind of a messed up place. It rubs off on you, a little. Fucked up shit happened there. Stuff that I don't think about too much anymore. Except for late at night when I'm avoiding sleep and homework.

Oh, lordy. I was so unhappy. But not all the time. It's weird. Such mixed emotions. It was amazing. It was awful. I can't separate the experience from either extreme. It was a roller coaster. Makes sense. I have bipolar disorder. Hadn't been diagnosed yet. I was medicated. And in therapy. Cognitive Behavioral. Maybe that is the wrong kind for me. Although, my therapist did teach me about deposits and withdrawals and shopping for groceries that aren't there no matter how many times you look for them. And other things. Thereapeutic things.

I also feel fine about not seeing a therapist right now. The last time I was in therapy I was starving, more like I was allowing myself to be starved. But I changed the situation and got over it and I've been pretty great (with bumps, of course) ever since. I talk about my feelings all the time. With people who give me really good feedback and who are awesome and kind and loving. I feel like a therapist would be superfluous.

another saturday night and i ain't got nobody

You know what sucks? Suddenly losing respect for an authority figure. One that you have to have continued interaction with. I'm going to have to unlose it. Which also sucks. But. You think you know people, and you don't, really. I mean, you think you have a good grasp on someone's character, but sometimes you don't. Disenchantment is lame.

I think my main problem is that I won't beg and I don't have the energy to fight. Especially if I have to rehearse this fucking story, and study for my final, and write a paper. The shitty thing is that I worked fucking hard, and put thought and effort into everything I did, and I think I deserve some fucking consideration, but I can't force people to understand. But I can just muddle through, and let go.

So, you know, I'll do that. I can't not.

Heavy sigh.