i made that final my bitch

I finished all my homework, motherfuckers. I managed to get an A in my ASL class, and a B in my Interpreting class. I feel pretty awesome about it.

I busted ass, and everything worked out. This is really the opposite of what happened the first time I was in college. I was really depressed and had way more stress than I had coping skills to deal with, so about three quarters of the way through the semester I would run out of steam and let everything go to shit. This happened a few times. And it never went to complete shit. I never failed any classes. But I was kind of steadily sinking the entire time I was in Kansas City. It was a situation that could not be sustained, which is why I had to get out of it.

And my main coping skill- detaching completely- did not serve me very well. I had other, even more destructive coping skills, too. It's so weird because I would never dream of doing that kind of shit anymore. It was bad. Really bad. I was not very nice to myself.

Things are so much different now. It's weird. Weird in the best way possible. Weird like how the fuck did I manage to survive myself and come to this place I am in now? The best I've ever been in my life. The healthiest, the copingest, the zest-for-life-havingest. It's kind of nuts.

Interestingly enough, I think dating Liz was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I learned what dying feels like. And I had the balls to say, "Enough! I can't kill my soul any longer." I chose myself. I loved myself the best. Which, for me, is completely amazing because I have always put other people before myself. I'm not completely over that sort of thinking, but I'm so much better.

Life is just so weird. Crazy, fucked up, not-so-awesome stuff happens, but the bad shit is what leads to breakthroughs. And that sucks sometimes. Most of the time. But each time you triumph over some obstacle you shed a little more of the bullshit that's been holding you back.

It's all a process. Everything.

I just remembered I thought of the beginning of a poem in the middle of the night last night. But it's gone, now. Maybe it'll come back later.

Anyway. Crazy stuff.

Also, I decided that my religion is learning. It is the best thing anyone can do, ever. I guess maybe teaching is, too. But we are all teachers who live our lives truly and fully and do not apologize for being and wanting. Naturally, I only associate with people who are their authentic selves always. If you can't be yourself and be with yourself as you really are, you'll never really live. You'll never feel or enjoy anything fully. You'll be a shadow. And that is so very sad. All the husk-people walking around asleep. Zombies.

You have to lead by example. Aspire to awesomeness. People are drawn to it. I promise.