feelings, bullshit doctor nonsense, good stuff and other things

Feelings: I am having them. This hot girl business has got me all stirred up. And I have this pathetic lonely-martyr bent that I really need to eliminate but that has been super-ingrained for years so it's not just going to disappear, you know what I mean? It is rooted in my severe self-image and self-esteem issues. And it's fucking with my shit and I hate that. In my mind it doesn't make sense that anyone would hit on me. Which means I am fucked up. Again with the self-loathing, right? What is that? It is so unnecessary and counterproductive. Any time someone comes onto me my brain goes into panic-lockdown-sabotage mode and I ignore my intuition, which is, of course, bad. I'm just like, "No. Certainly not. Can't be true. Impossible." Why why why can't I stop? Why can't I just be ok with myself? Let go of the self-hatred. (Maybe that also means I have to let go of the hatred and bad-feelings I have for my dad and that is part of the problem because I am still clutching tightly onto all of that like it's a security blanket.)

Bullshit doctor nonsense: my fucking doctor, who I actually liked even though I hate doctors, closed her office and disconnected her phone and for some reason no one called me about it. Had I not called the hospital her office is in I would not have known this. I would have driven all the fucking way out to stupid South Tulsa, discovered that her office no longer exists, gotten pissed that I wasted all that time and gas when I could have been at home self-soothing or watching the L Word, and possibly cried because I am that tired today. Good thing I avoided all of that shit. And of course the part of me that hates doctors the most is rejoicing because I don't have to go the doctor today. The practical, grown-up part of me is aggravated because I need to go to the doctor, and now I have to find a new doctor and I hate trying to find a new doctor because so fucking many of them are completely awful. It's a total crapshoot unless you get a recommendation from someone.

Fuck. Stupid doctors. If I thought I could get away with it I would treat my body like I treat my car and just drive it into the ground. I mean I kind of do that right now, but not totally. I take my medicine, get enough sleep, try to eat decently, think about how I should be exercising more, the usual stuff. But if it involves doctors I have a huge mental block about it. It's because I was sick so much when I was young and I went to lots of doctors who a) were really mean and b) misdiagnosed me, repeatedly. I mean, so many fucking appointments, every week almost, sometimes more than once a week. So many different medications. Different kinds of doctors. Even fake doctors, like Chiropractors and Accupuncturists. Mom made me go. I don't know if she was misguided. Probably. She was frantically trying to figure out what my deal was. My unique combination of physical and psychological issues makes for an awful mess for someone to try and decipher, I guess.

Good stuff: we have study group tonight. I am bringing my portfolio to show to my new gay friend. I also have some pictures of Andrea, Dave and Kobi on my phone to show her, too. Yay new gay friend!

Also, Mo, my coworker who is a million times better than all the others, is going to interview me about the use of media in the classroom. It's for his doctoral dissertation or something related to his doctorate. I'm excited because Mo is awesome and adorable. He made a good choice by picking me to interview because I am a font of knowledge about the use of media in the classroom. I went to art school. I was a New Media major. It was all about media. Anyway. Mo is the best. I am super-glad to help him out.

Other things: I'm tired. I can't wait for work to be over. I get to watch the L-Word when I get home. My mood is weird today. Mondays are lame. I have a quiz tomorrow. I have a new gay friend. Did you know that? Maybe I already told you.

That's about it, I guess.