there's nothing like seeing your own history in the faces of your friends

I'm going to get kind of gay, here, as I am wont to do. Just thought I should give fair warning...

Last night I had girl dinner and it was wonderful. I feel so alive when I am with Krystal and Emily. Especially the two of them together. It's kind of magical. I don't know if I have ever met people who live life more fully than those two (with the exception of my mother and sister, who laugh big, talk big, and love big).

It is amazing how infectious life is. It seeps into your skin and washes away your weariness, to be around people who know how to be fully alive, who know how to feel things, who know that feeling things is a perfectly acceptable thing to do.

There is also something amazing about an involuntary smile that won't go away and makes your jaw hurt a bit. A real smile. Not a fake smile that feels sick and is only with your mouth and not your eyes.

I went to bed last night so happy and woke energized. I thought, "How lucky I am, to have such friends as these."

I think that I have never been happier in my life. I am completely serious. I am healthy (in the holistic, real, listening-to-yourself way). For once in my life I am not starving. No false shortages. No real shortages. I may not have everything, but I have enough of what I really need (support, love, friendship, funtimes, rest-times, mind-expanding times).

Sometimes I wonder, "How is this my life?" How did I get here? After all the shit and ridiculousness and unhealthy people and soul-killing compromises and self-harm and self-loathing, how the fuck did I end up here? Here, in my body and mind and Self I am learning to love and embrace unconditionally, with these friends (soul family) who love me and whom I love so fiercely. Here with people who are here for real and not just momentarily, not just flitting in and out of my life, but really present. Like Krystal, who I have known for ten years and who can read me like a book and who often does read me like I have pages. I can keep no secrets but that is okay because I am safe. And Emily who I have known not as long, but who can still read me startlingly well and who can lipread even when I'm not talking (which I guess means she is thought-reading), and still that is okay because, still, I am safe.

And then there is my sister who is amazing and hilarious and who I am so proud of. She has come through hell to get where she is. And my mom, who, with love and compassion, helped shape us into the amazing people we are and who loves us even though we are petulant and sometimes ungrateful.

What more could a girl ask for? Not much, I don't think. Maybe a new computer so I can do good in school next semester, and maybe some new clothes and a new wallet. Those things are easy to come by in life. All it takes is a little money. Lucky for me I have a job that gives me a little money. The rare things, the things you can't buy, I already have in spades. And for this reason I am truly blessed.

Ok. I'm done being a superfag. For now, anyway.