playdate

They are all colluding to get me on a playdate with this girl. "They" is Andrea, Dave, and apparently Puckett, which I think is funny. They've been talking me up. Also, Dave reported to me that this girl (her name is Cassie) "thinks I am cool" and "wants to hang out."

I am ok with this. Frankly, I would have been to the store myself to do some light stalking had I not injured my back last week.

So, yes. Andrea and Dave are going to arrange to have both of us over at their house at the same time. Like a lesbian playdate.

Playdates. Gaydates.

Funtimes.

what i'd like to dream about tonight

(Sylvia Ji)

i hate prednisone, but...

I would like to state, for the record, that I hate being on all these pills, and I hate Prednisone especially because it fucks with my mood and it makes me feel weird. And on top of that opiate painkillers, and muscle relaxers. Last week is a blur. I feel like Monday happened, and I left class in pain and went home and went to sleep and woke up and it's Monday again. And that is a weird feeling. Sort of time warpy. Sort of creepy.

Sort of I'm really glad I don't remember Tuesday better. It was awful. It was so frustrating to be in that amount of pain to the point that all I could do was lie still and cry and try to pass out for a while. It was horrible and I am glad that the stupid steroids helped and now I am ok and it's all over.

Bonus, I was on my period the whole entire time. So that's awesome. It's like the trifecta of depressive nonsense: sickness, steroids, hormones.

Fantastic.

And I slept through most of it. And tomorrow is Monday and everything will be back to normal-ish.

And that's good.

Blech, though. No more back problems, please.

And lets please keep all my body problems under control until the semester is over. Please. Less than two months. Come on. Limp to the finish line. I'm begging you. I'll even do the exercises. Whatever you want, just get me through to the end of the semester with minimal trouble.

And, for god's sake, no swine flu.

gloomy sunday

performed by Billie Holiday

Sunday is gloomy.
My hours are slumberless.
Dearest the shadows I live with are numberless.
Little white flowers
Will never awaken you,
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you.
Angels have no thought
Of ever returning you.
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?
Gloomy Sunday.

Gloomy is Sunday.
With shadows I spend it all.
My heart and I have decided to end it all.
Soon there'll be candles and prayers that are sad I know.
Let them not weep.
Let them know that I'm glad to go.
Death is no dream
For in death I'm caressin' you.
With the last breath of my soul,
I'll be blessin' you.
Gloomy Sunday.

Dreaming,
I was only dreaming.
I wake and I find you asleep in the deep of my heart.

Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you.
My heart is telling you
How much I wanted you.
Gloomy Sunday.

operant conditioning

I would like to preface this story by saying that yesterday my coping skills were depleted after ferrying multiple gallons of gasoline, in a one gallon can, mind you, to my car at the behest of the tow-truck driver when I knew it was not out of gas. That was definitely not the problem even though he was convinced it was.

I punched my car. Or, rather, I struck it with the side of my closed fist in frustration, and now I have an awful bruise. It was not one of my finest moments.

I don't handle car problems very well. I never know what to do so I usually cry. I've never had a car that didn't break down everywhere. Everywhere.

I hate cars.

And this current car bullshit is the stress icing on the stress cake.

Blerg.

I would like the semester to be over, and I would like my car to work properly.

So if Jesus or whoever could get to work on that it would be fantastic.

all the pussy

Sarah Silverman's plan to sell the Vatican to feed the entire world.

It's captioned. Enjoy.

a sense of urgency

So Obama promised to end Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Again. The gays are not impressed. They had a fight about it on CNN. Hillary Rosen was the only one who defended Obama. She said, "Look. Four years ago President Bush stood before the country and tried to write us out of the Constitution. And guess what: he was re-elected. So the idea that this is not a complete seachange, that we should not take this guy at his word for what we've seen, to me is mind-boggling."

How many months has Obama been President? Nine? Ten? How many different directions is he being pulled, by everyone? I understand why the Gay Community is so geared up. We finally, finally have a legitimately sympathetic President and we want as much progress to happen as quickly as possible before Republicans take over again and have us all deported or shoot us into the Moon or something.

But I think everyone needs to chill out just a tiny bit. He's trying. Would George W. Bush have shown his face at an HRC event, ever? Fuck no. Are you kidding me?

This shit is going to take some time. And I understand that we all feel like we've got a limited time to push all this progress through, we all see the guillotine blade, just waiting to fall in four years, or eight, or less even, but progress is an unstoppable force. It will happen. Probably not as soon as we'd all like, but it is inevitable.

And Republicans can't do shit about it. Sure they can slow it down. They can make it harder for us. They can make our lives more difficult, temporarily. But they're still going to lose in the end. Bigots and homophobes and frothing-at-the-mouth fundamentalists are all going to lose. They are losing right now. That's why they're so adamant and full of vitriol: they're fucked and they know it.

It's all about hearts and minds. And hearts and minds are changing. Young people these days are wired. They have a much broader perspective on everything. They are more open-minded, less uptight. They have more exposure to the real world. Even Southern Baptists are sort of over the gay thing. They're more worried about Global Warming these days. It will become a non-thing. It will. And we will all be embarrassed about this specific time in our history. "America was so backwards then. Unenlightened."

The Gay Community's job now is to be unified, be awesome and use our considerable political sway as much as possible. We must remain visible. Have voice. Be ourselves. Live the best we can. Show the world we will not surrender. You know, standard stuff. What most of us do already, all the time.

Just give it time. Please. And in the mean time march, lobby and write letters to your congresspeople. Better yet, contribute to the campaign of a non-insane, non-bigot Senator or Representative. Please. There aren't enough of them. It's frightening.

Slight tangent, but did you hear about the defense bill amendment that Al Franken proposed? The one that "would withhold government contracts from organizations like KBR if they restrict employees from taking rape and sexual assault cases to court." (here) It was the one 30 Republican senators (all male) voted against, including, you guessed it, Jim Inhofe and Tom Coburn.

This is the kind of thing we need to put the kibosh on. Like now. Jesus.

middle distance runner

by Sea Wolf

Well I'm so sad tonight
And the words won't come out right
It's been a long day on the track
And its stamina that I lack

So won't you run to me tonight?
Tonight could turn but we're just lovers
But I'll only ever be a middle distance runner

Well my heart is beating hard
And I'm off with a shot at the start
And my legs tremble from strain
But by the finish line I am drained

So won't you run to me tonight?
Tonight let's not talk about next summer
Cause I'll only ever be a middle distance runner

Well I'm so proud tonight
Of the woman you've become
And I'm just too tired to fight
So my darling, I'll succumb

But you'll have to run to me tonight
Tonight I will love you forever
But I'll only ever be a middle distance runner

vlog "my friend"

you only wish you were as cool as i am