my little buttercup has the sweetest smile

I had something really, really important to say. In my heart I did. But it is gone now. Gone like so many other very-important things that must not have been all that important if we are all still alive and well without them.

Today is Abraham Lincoln's birthday. Charles Darwin's as well. They were born on the same day. I wonder if they are cosmically connected, then. Do they hang out in heaven? Do they prank Robert E. Lee? Put his fancy General's sword in jello? Wait. I don't think they have jello in heaven, it's gross. No one actually likes jello. Not even Jesus.

I think I was supposed to notice and be excited that Laura and Mom now have matching bikes. She said, did you see, did you see? And I, playing the petulant daughter, said, "Yeah. It's a bike," like it was the least interesting thing I had ever heard in the entire world. I'll have to fix it tomorrow. "Wow, Mom. That's so cool that Laura bought you guys bikes (I know Mom didn't buy them or even one of them because she's totally broke right now) and now you can ride around together like the giant homos that you are."

I just suspended blog writing to go have an 11pm Cobb salad at Village Inn with Kate and Emily. It was great. We talked about boys. And stupid girl drama. And the inevitable robot uprising.

Here is a picture I took with my phone:


I call it "Washrags with I Voted Sticker." It is possibly one of my greatest works.

Also, here is one of Andrea, Dave and the cat all passed out on the new couch.


I might go to bed now. Goodnight.

i love robots

I bought this shirt today:


Because robots are awesome. Almost as awesome as dinosaurs.

when i was just a little boy i threw away all my action toys

Andrea and Dave got this for Kobi:

It is called a Roboraptor. It is a combination of the two greatest things on earth: robots and dinosaurs. It is really cute and it walks around and makes noises. I think Kobi will like it.

Dave loves that kid so much. It breaks my heart that Kobi's mom is trying to keep him away from Dave. He had to send Kobi his Christmas presents in the mail. I wish we could get Dave a lawyer for Christmas.

Oh, dads. My dad sent me $100, like he does. And a Christmas card with an angel on it. The kind you get in a pack of 50 and send to all your relatives and friends you kind of care about. So... Yeah. Merry Christmas. My relationship with my dad is so fucked. His lackluster efforts to communicate with me really make me not want to talk to him at all. And then on the rare occasions we do talk it's either neutral to awkward, or really, really bad.

I don't know why the card and $100 depresses me so. Probably because it is a sorry excuse for the love that I've always really wanted from him. Definitely because of that. And because it's so fucking Catholic, which is Rosie's influence. (She probably bought the cards. And the stamps that have Mary and the baby Jesus on them.) So my nonreligious father is off in Catholicland sharing his meager love and affection with his new (read better) family. The normal ones who are average (read stupid) and all have bastard children to fill his pretty house with.

Which came first, him rejecting us or us rejecting him? Who wins in this situation? Sounds like no one does. Except maybe I do. I win my life that I love. I win my sister, alive for now, happy, watching movies and dancing with the robot dinosaur. (It was an adorable sight to behold. I' m sorry you had to miss it.)

My dad is limited. He does okay in his way. But I know it is better for me and my sister to not be around him because he is not healthy and because he will never live up to the fantasy. It still feels like a failure on my part. I didn't try hard enough. Except that I did. I tried so many times for years and years to make it work and sometimes you just have to cut your losses. And move on. But that is so hard.

And there is a difference between saying you love someone and acting like you do. I know this in the core of me. And you can love someone but not know how to love them. Or you can love someone and not know how not to hurt them. And maybe you don't even know how you have hurt them because you do not have the capacity to understand.

And I can know that no matter how much someone loves me or claims to love me or is supposed to love me, that they are not good for my soul, which means I have to do that loving goodbye thing where I keep a sorrowful distance and live my life and keep myself safe. And I do that.

But Christmas brings things up. I am not starved of love. Not this year. Not anymore.

i am an all powerful amazon warrior
not just some sniveling girl
so no matter what i think i need
you know i can't possibly
have a need in this world