maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore

I am only writing because I don't know what else to do. I can't not write. I'll drown. I am going to write about living and dying. It is heavy, heavy on my mind lately and writing relieves the burden as nothing else can. I hope not to be dramatic, only matter-of-fact about it because it is a reality that none of us can escape and is just as natural as birth and change and the unstoppable force of progress.

In a sense, we are all afflicted by this disease called Life, which we will all die from. It is the most beautiful terminal condition because there is nothing better than truly living. And you know deep in your heart of hearts if you are truly living or if you are just a ghost turned flesh. You know. You can see it in your eyes and feel it in your bones.

We all know what dying feels like. Parts of us are dying and regenerating all the time. It's normal, except when it's not. It's normal unless your whole self is dying, emotionally or physically or both. It's normal as a cycle of ebb and flow, but not when you circumvent it and stay ashen always. You can't live in winter forever. Or, actually, you can, but it's not really living.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we are all dying, so we may as well live as much as we can because you can't take even one single day for granted. And I can sit and be sorrowful about the alleged (supposed, possible, questionable, something) brevity of the lives of people I love, or I can just be with them as much as I can and enjoy the living we have left to do, however finite.

Heartbreak and death are inevitable. And anorexia and cardiomyopathy are hard things no one should ever have to suffer. And yet, they still are. Many, many things still are. Such is life. And as I am just another soldier in the army of Love, I will simply live fully, love fully, give fully, experience fully, be fully, do fully, and cry when I need to. That is all I can do.

but i guess that this is the price
that we pay for the privilege
of living for even a day
in a world with so many things
worth believing
in
- ani