shut it down

I almost bought a Playstation 3 today. Let me rephrase that, for accuracy's sake: I briefly considered buying a Playstation 3 today, until I remembered that my buyer's guilt increases exponentially after an item reaches the $100 mark.

On my way to pick up my car from the repair shop in my favorite place in the world, Broken Arrow, I decided I wanted to buy an iPod because I love my music and I was tired of listening to the awful radio. Even NPR sucks because all they talk about is the fucking war and the fucking economy, and I can only take so much of that. Anyway, I was riding on the high that comes when you are certain you are going to have to shell out a significant sum of money for something, and then, surprisingly, it ends up costing you much less than you expected. Hence the desire for an iPod.

I retrieved my car and was feeling pretty awesome. On my way to Best Buy to look at iPods the hedonistic part of me was like, "Hey, you know what would be ever more fun and exciting than a boring old iPod? A Playstation 3." And then I thought about how fun it would be to set it up at Andrea's (because that's my daytime residence, usually) and then wait for them to come home from climbing to the surprise of me playing Soul Calibur IV on their fancy new TV. That made me smile. So I decided I would look at the iPods and the gaming systems and decide from there.

I hovered around in Best Buy for a while, touching things. I looked at the ridiculously expensive gaming systems and all of the weird stuff you can buy for them. I looked at the mp3 players. I wandered around. I felt weird because salespeople are creepy and I didn't want any of them to think I wanted to buy anything. I looked at all of the games, specifically Grand Theft Auto and Soul Calibur.

Honestly, I think I was mostly attracted to how Dave and my sister would react to seeing the Playstation. I mean, I love video games and a Playstation 3 would be totally awesome, but the thought of a surprise that awesome is infinitely better. A Playstation 3 is like $400 for the cheap one, not counting all the extra things you need for it. I can't spend that kind of money on something that frivolous. I get horrible pangs of guilt after spending a tenth as much money as it would have cost me for that thing. Christ. I quickly realized this and Liz Lemon popped into my mind. "Shut it down," she said.

I quickly exited the store. Never make an electronics purchase on an empty stomach. My mind was weak from hunger, obviously, or else I would not have fallen for this trick of my impulsivity. Money is such a huge issue for me. I am terrified of not having enough. (For that matter, I'm terrified of not having enough of just about everything.) I'm trying to get over it. Making impulse electronics purchases is not the way to go about it, though.

It's just weird. I hate buying things. Some people, people who have never been poor, get pleasure from the mere act of spending money. I do not. I get anti-pleasure. I hate it. Buying something is always such a big decision, and my weird OCD perfectionism leads me to think I have always made the wrong decision.

Sigh. You guys know how I do. I'm fucking neurotic. I've come to accept it. It's better this way, really, because if anyone ever makes a movie about me it won't be boring. It will be hilarious. I'll be the lesbian, non-creepy Woody Allen, which means my costar will be a young Diane Keaton. And I won't make her feel bad for smoking grass before we fuck.