I deposited my dear friend Emily safely at the airport, and I didn't even cry like I thought I might. Saying goodbye (even temporarily) to one loved one is hard enough for me, but two in the same span of time is even harder. If Krystal goes anywhere I might have a meltdown.
I have emotions, like leftovers from childhood, about travelling, vacation, leaving, being left, etc. That's why vacation is never just vacation, it's remembering all the trips to New Mexico and back for summers with my dad, it's recalling the difference between vacations with each parent, it's muscle memories of crying on airplanes on the way back from my dad's, crying on the way to my dad's, crying at my dad's. Crying all over the place. Crying because not enough time is too much, and knowing a shorter stay is better, but wishing things were different.
It's about Kansas City. It's about being torn between two homes, crying alone in my car no matter which direction I am going. It's about coming to one home so exhausted and just wanting to rest but having to go around and see everyone who wants to see me. It's about missing my family, missing my friends, missing everything. It is about learning and growing and creating but living with a hole in my heart where the ones I love most should be.
It's all that and more. And that is why I hate vacation, and goodbyes and travelling and why I always feel robbed of time with people I love. Goes back to love starvation, which, I think, is the root of everything, for me, anyway.
No crying today, though. Just a slight tinge of sadness because I want Andrea to be home. She will be soon enough.
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